Love American Style

Gentle Reader,

As we careen to the most famous of made up holidays, Valentines Day, we turn our thoughts to buying the affection of loved ones or at least neutralizing their venom.

Ladies, I know you and your husband don’t see things eye to eye on a lot. How they see themselvesConsider for a moment the way you see your husband and the way he sees himself.

How your husband sees himself…

 

How you see your husband…

Men, like your counterparts you and your wife have a slightly different perspective of each other.

 

How your wife sees herself…

 

How you see your wife…

An interesting note: In 96.3% of our survey, both the husband and the wife viewed the wife as a witch…just sayin’.

So folks, make this fake holiday special and treat your spouse the way they see themselves. A red heart filled with adolescent candy that was manufactured last July, just won’t do. Note: if you’re a pimply faced thirteen year old pining for a girl with fancy hair, go with the heart.

We ship anywhere in the lower forty-eight!

Valentines Day is February 14th

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Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, and let the magic begin. A gift from JT’s Confections will enhance your partners false sense of elevated intelligence, physical fitness, and social grace.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Aunt Francine, Bill Walton and World Domination!

Gentle Reader,

2013 has come to a close and we embark on 2014 with all the optimism that any new year brings.

In 2013 we witnessed my gallant yet doomed bid to become the next Pope. I’d like to thank my Great Aunt Francine for her support. Unfortunately, the unbridled support of a 97 year old ex-communicated nun with Tourette’s, Alzheimer’s, and a penchant for “medical marijuana” was not enough. For the rest of you who were indifferent to my Papal quest, thanks! Thanks a lot!!!

I still dream….(It never gets old)

In 2014, I look forward to reaching many personal and professional goal.

Personal:
I’m committing myself to thinking outside of the box. I’m also looking forward to bringing my height and weight measurements in line with FDA guidelines. Keeping in mind my past failures, and my commitment to thinking outside of the box, I have decided to grow twelve inches rather than lose 40 lbs. By 2015 I should be a Bill Walton clone; 6’11”, 210 lbs with bad knees.

Professionally:
I am committed to causing sleepless nights for the executives at my larger competition. Oh, I’m not talking about Charlie’s Chocolate Cigars, or Bonnie’s Bad Chocolate Emporium, my sites are set on the playas. The Swiss, The Belgi

ans, and those clowns in PA.
FYI, this domination would have been easier if I had the Papal Army at my disposal…thanks A LOT guys!

JT’s Confections is growing faster than we had anticipated and we want to thank you all for you support and help this past year. In 2013, our confections were served at weddings, bat mitzvahs, first communions, anniversary parties, jail breaks as well as corporate functions. in 2014, JT’s will be donating candy to charitable organizations for fund raising to ensure that our good work is more than spiritual.

Thanks again for all your support. It has been a pleasure creating the finest caramels and pecan clusters for all of you. Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, check out all our products, and let the mayhem begin!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. To help fulfill your New Year resolution to be a better person, feel free to forward this email to a friend…and say three Hail Mary’s…