Gentle Reader,heartbeat
Lose 15 pounds in a year you ask? Well no need to worry dear friends, that pipe dream was quietly euthanized on January 3, 2016 at 9:30 PM while standing in line at the Dairy Queen.

Although I am still haunted by this decision, I must forge ahead…to the Big and Tall Shop. Looking at the positive, this year’s weight resolution lasted a full 22 hours longer than last years. wife from the fifties(If anyone sees my wife, Sharon, mum’s the word. She still thinks I’m on track to lose 8 pounds by July 4th.)

In all that is JT’s Confections, we are open for business and fully stocked. Go to jtsconfections.com and see all our amazing hand made caramels, pecan caramel clusters, pecan bark, chocolate covered pretzels, caramel filled pretzels that are covered in chocolate, and chocolate covered Oreos. All the food groups are represented.JT's Confections chocolate Oreos

**For our color blind friends, these are Oreos covered in dark chocolate; you are not looking at a checkers tournament. (I apologize to our color blind friends, I wont make any more jokes). Shhhhh….Nobody say a word.

Finally, I want to thank everyone who ordered from JT’s Confections for their corporate and personal gifts during this past holiday season. With your help, we will be able to increase our charitable contributions for 2016 over last year’s level. You did great work! Thank you!!!

Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and order to your heart’s content! We ship anywhere in the US. The answer is I’m not sure, but that’s not the news.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

It is with a heavy heart that I share this news.

Last night in Hämeenlinna Finland, Santa was arrested for public drunkenness. According to eyewitnesses, Santa consumed approximately 9 Manhattans before passing out at the bar. When the bartender woke Santa to ask him if he needed a ride home, he started yelling to anyone who would listen that his marriage was a sham and was based on a lie and I quote “The rabbit didn’t die 350 years ago, only Santa’s spirit”.

Santa

The alleged attacker Santa Claus (aka “Kris Kringle”)

 

Mrs. Claus

The alleged victim, Anna Nordstrom

Officer Big Mac

The arresting officer Lars Ollila

Santa then became aggressive and threw a punch at an elderly women, who according to eyewitnesses, looked like Mrs. Claus.

At approximately 2:00 AM, the Police arrived at the scene and after a brief struggle Santa was taken into custody.

Santa Claus Police Report

Santa Claus Police Report

 

 

Below is a copy of the Hämeenlinnan police report as translated by the Hämeenlinnan City Office of Pubic Affairs.

Gentle reader, I am here to tell you that although it is sad and painfully obvious that Santa can not be counted on for the Holidays this year, JT’s Confections is standing firm and is ready to take all your orders!

Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and place your holiday orders. We are still fully stocked with all our delicious Caramel Pecan Clusters, Caramel Filled Chocolate Covered Pretzels, Chocolate Covered Oreos®, Milk and Dark Chocolate Pecan Bark, Chocolate Covered Pretzels and of course our famous Caramels! We ship anywhere in the US. Please note, orders that need to be shipped must be placed by December 15th.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughtslogo It’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

I can only imagine what many of you are thinking; “Has JT fathered a child with Kate Hudson?”. The answer is I’m not sure, but that’s not the news.

From this point forward, JT’S CONFECTIONS IS DONATING 50% OF NET PROFITS TO CHARITY.

I know most of you are asking yourself, what in God’s name has he done that has led him to this decision. I can assure you my motivation is not the result of any misdeeds on my part (in the last 45 minutes) but rather it’s a decision based on time management. I am trying to reduce the length of my “Pearly Gate discussion” from eight days to 45 minutes. After all, how many times can I really say, “It was a jooooooke”?

Although JT’s is still relatively small, our goal is to grow the business so that in a few years we can write meaningful checks to charities. As a quick FYI, any compensation that I take from the business will be taken after the charitable donations have been made.

On a separate note, the holiday season quickly approaches. If you are going to use JT’s for your corporate gifts this year, please let me know ASAP as things can get pretty intense over the next two months. To illustrate, I have included time-lapse photography from last year to demonstrate how insane things will get for me….

Me walking in (looking good)Me working (looking crazy)Me leaving (off to the funny farm)

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,
they-are-here-image

PhillyfanistanWe’re Back
It is with much satisfaction that I announce that JT’s Confections is fully stocked and ready for the new season. Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and reward yourself for being the best parent you could have been for those three hours last July 23rd!

Pope Francis
JT’s Confections would also like to welcome Pope Francis to the United States. While in the USA, Pope Francis will be visiting our nation’s capital, Washington DC; the world’s capital, New York City, and America’s answer to third world countries, Phillyfanistan.

Phillyfanistan
For those of you who are not familiar with Phillyfanistan, it’s a pagan society located in the south eastern region of Pennsylvania. This territory is inhabited by aggressive, loud, boorish, drunk people who worship false gods. These false gods are tall, massive, toothless beasts who are not able to complete a pass, hit a curve ball, score a goal or sink a free throw…when it counts.

Thank you Holy Father for your courage to visit Phillyfanistan. To quote my favorite Latin passage from the old testament… “Esum caseum CARNIS paniculum fartum edit, osculantur solitum campanulae sonum, et exi velociter ex ictos!”
Translation: “Eat a cheese steak sandwich, kiss the bell, and get out of dodge!”
img-oct-6
Faber CollegeCollege Care
Finally gentle reader, most of us have children, relatives or family friends who are attending an institution for higher learning. Please remember to send these urchins a gift from  JT’s Confections. I don’t know how I can make it easier; just click here  and become the better parent, aunt/uncle or family friend!

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

John as Pope Pope Francis

Close your eyes and you wouldn’t know the difference….just sayin’.

Gentle Reader,sunburn guy

It’s been a while and I trust your summer was fantastic. As usual, my summer was a traveling quest for knowledge. With every stop in my travels I try to learn facts, make observations and from these facts and observations, draw sound conclusions.

In New Jersey, I learned that there are exactly 18 layers of skin covering an Irish forehead. Like many of you, I used to think that 18 are a lot of layers until I discovered the last 7 are very thin. Conclusion: Pasty white skin is more attractive than exposed skull.
stewart
In Minnesota, I observed that almost everyone said to me, “Oh geez mister, we usually don’t do things like that around here. Don’t cha-know?…”
Conclusion:
Norwegians say the oddest things.

get off property man with shotgunIn North – man with shotgun Carolina, I observed that almost everyone said to me, “Now looky here mista, we don’t do that sorta thing in these here parts. I say…”.
Conclusion:
There are a lot of Norwegians in North Carolina.

So there you have it Gentle Reader, my summer in a nutshell. As you can see, I’ve really opened myself up to the world in preparation for the upcoming candy season.

I will be touching base again shortly to announce the official start of the candy season and the resumption of JTsConfections.com. I’m hoping mid September if the earth cools to a gentle simmer.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

The Prehistoric Period, The Tobacco, Caffeine and Alcohol Period, The Estrogen Period. The Evolution of Dad

As we approach the beginning of June and Mother’s Day celebrations begin to wind down, we turn our attention towards those two hours dedicated to Dad, commonly known as Father’s Day. This year, Father’s “Day” will fall on June 21st.

I think this year Dads should be rewarded for their evolution as a species (for the newlyweds out there, after five years of marriage, women consider men a different, inferior species). In the April issue of Anthropological Quarterly AQ, the evolution of Dads is discussed in great detail.

prehistoric dadPrehistoric Dad Period:
During this period, Dads were characterized as antisocial, belligerent malcontents. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, was usually followed by fire and an abundance of meat. Discipline was instilled with a club. This phase lasted from 200,000 BC until 1698.

Scary DadTobacco, Caffeine, and Alcohol Dad Period:
During this period, Dads were characterized as antisocial belligerent malcontents. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, was usually followed by violence, incoherent screaming and uncomfortable dinners. Discipline was instilled with a belt. This phase lasted from 1699 until 1995.

Estrogen Dad Period:Mr D
Presently, Dads are characterized as emotionally soft, rudderless jellyfish. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, is usually followed by sushi, ice cream cones and trophies for coming in 8th place in a six-team tournament. It’s a total shambles. Discipline is instilled with a hug. This phase began in 1996 and continues today.

OK, so we may have over shot the mark a little, but we are trying. This year reward your father and all fathers for their collective evolution by giving them a fantastic gift from JT’s Confections. Let the taste of JT’s bring your Dad back to a time when Dads were scary and eye contact was to be avoided at all costs.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. Because the earth is two degrees from catching on fire, local pick up only…

Gentle Reader,

Red Sox FanLike myself, many of you are finally seeing an end to a brutal and long winter. This past winter brought freezing temperatures and excessive snow to the North East.

Because of this weather, there were gut wrenching stories from all over the country. In Buffalo, NY, a group of four adults froze to death while making a brave effort to hit the liquor store and “adult” store before the blizzard struck; tragically they began their quest too late. Those poor souls could have saved themselves if only they knew that if you hit the liquor store hard enough, there’s no need to go to the “adult” store.

In Boston, three Red Sox fans perished just because, well…they were Red Sox fans and were doing something stupid.

Mother NatureMother nature is not happy with us; we need to perform an act that will appease her and bring natural harmony back to the world. If you’re like me, your first instinct is to throw a virgin in a volcano. Unfortunately, there are no active volcanoes in the North East and even if we had one, good luck finding a virgin (except maybe sister Sarah from Lancaster, PA…um Amish country).

Mrs. BradyFear not gentle reader, I have the solution. Send your Mother, or the mother of your children, a gift from JT’s Confections. I beg of you don’t do as me and my siblings did. We all pitched in and bought our mother a box of Whitman Samplers. Not only was it horrible chocolate, we ate almost everything except those disgusting orange filled brown wax squares. Adding insult to injury, every piece we left for our mother had a finger hole in the back; we needed verify that there wasn’t any good candy left for our Mom. The finale layer of shame came when my mother realized that this was the only gift from her six children…. Happy Mother’s Day Ma!!!!

An aside, to add to the shame and disgrace of that, there were six of us chipping in!

Order your Mother’s Day treats from JT’s Confections and you’ll make all moms happy. If you make all moms happy, you make Mother Nature happy and save the world. OK, that may be a bit of a stretch but I got you this far so why not???

As always, it’s been a pleasure and feel free to share with an unhinged friend.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. sorry if I offended any Amish but are you really allowed to have a computer? I’ll make a deal, you don’t say anything to the “Confection’s Board of Ethics” and I won’t say anything to the “Elders”.

Liberace, Joe Namath and Easter Bunny

…RIP. Sorry Easter bunny, they got cold!

Gentle Reader,

Military Appreciation GoalCrushed! 120 Boxes

Thank you for helping JT’s Confections exceed its goal!

A quick note regarding the Military Appreciation Campaign that we ran with your support.

We mailed more than 120 – 1 pound boxes of confections to active and retired military personnel and in so doing, crushed our 100 box goal! The 120 boxes were sent to members from all branches of our military and their services ranged from WWII through current cadets at West Point. Your generous support, combined with hand written letters, emails, and phone calls we received from recipients expressing their appreciation has motivated us to run the same campaign next year. However, next year our goal is to mail 200 plus boxes!

THANKS to everyone who participated. I’d also like to thank my family, Sharon, Georgia, and Aidan for their help in cutting and wrapping caramels as well as packing and mailing boxes.

Now the unseemly underbelly of the candy business, sales and violence.

Easter and Passover are upon us again and so is an annual tradition at JT’s Confections, we’re late! It’s not my fault, binge watching all eight seasons of “Beverly Hills 90210” doesn’t happen by itself.

Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and improve your Easter and Passover. Some may say “Easter?? Passover?? On the same website???” I say YES!!! I am Irish Catholic but Hebrew National Hot Dogs are my favorite food in the world! It’s just that simple (drop the microphone and walk off stage…).

If you need anything mailed, please order by Monday night. If you are going to pick up locally, JT’s will be holding court until Thursday evening.

Lastly I had a great joke that started “A priest, a rabbi, and an ulema walk into a bar”, but given my potentially awkward pearly gates interview, I exercised discretion. Sorry.

Hurry! Shipped orders must be received by Monday night.

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. For those of you who still believe in unicorns and that mankind is essentially good, Liberace and Joe Namath made fur coats out of the Easter Bunny. Easy PETA!

Gentle Reader,

We at JT’s Confections, with your help, would like to thank the good men and women who are currently serving, or have previously served, in the armed services of the United States of America. These men and women are asked to perform duties that many of us are either unable or unwilling to perform that ensure our freedoms and safety. Buy 1 Give 1
military promo
To say THANK YOU we are offering the following:

For every one-pound box of confections you purchase, for whomever you want, we will provide a second one-pound box free provided that the second box is shipped to a veteran or an active duty member of the armed services. The only caveat is that you pay the shipping. Who’s better than you??

 

 

 

 

We are working on the honor system here folks. Having said that, names we will NOT be shipping to are:captain

  • Colonel Klink
  • Colonel Mustard
  • Captain Kirk
  • Captain Stubing
  • Private Pyle

 

 

However, if you can with 100% good conscience provide me with a legitimate Captain Crunch, I will throw in a dozen chocolate covered Oreos for the good Captain. He or she has endured enough hardship.

Although JT’s Confections is a virtual chocolate powerhouse within a 600 yard radius of our kitchen, we need to limit this to 100 orders (200 boxes) or a March 5th end date, whichever comes first.

logoTo say “Thank you,” just go to JTsConfections.com and click on the American flag. If you’d like to say thank you but don’t know a veteran or active duty member of the military, we can send your box to a veteran or an active duty military person on your behalf.

Each box will contain a note that reads “Thank you for your service to our country” and it will also include the sender’s name.

To ensure we hit out goal of 100 orders (200 boxes), PLEASE forward this email to anyone you feel would be appropriate.

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

This past weekend during Super Bowl XCVDQIL, we saw Pete Carroll call for a pass and commit an act of stupidity that was rivaled only when Miss Amazon Runner up, Sheishane Hayalla, snatched the crown from the head of the newly crowned Amazon Queen, Carol Toledo.

coach

Although both incidents were hysterical (who doesn’t enjoy a girl fight?), they were both avoidable. I’m here gentle reader to urge you to avoid committing a Pete Carroll or a Sheishane Hayalla. Order your Valentine’s Day gift from JT’s Confections now before it’s too late.

Say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “It won’t happen again”, “I was drunk”, “I accidentally took an Ambien”, “I didn’t see you standing there”, or “Can we just forget it ever happened” with an order from JTSCONFECTIONS.COM.

image2-feb-15

 

We ship anywhere in the USA and have something for everyone. Having said that, if your Valentine doesn’t like chocolate covered Oreos, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate caramel filled pretzels, pecan caramel clusters, pecan bark, pecan-cherry bark or the best caramels you’ll ever taste then you have a tough lot in life and you need something from the bar.

 

 

Valentine’s Day box

image3-feb15We ship anywhere in the lower forty eight!

Place your Valentine’s Day order by February 9th

Although the official ordering cut off date is February 9th, order now to expunge your record of poor judgements and general stupidity; rewrite history and score one for the good guys!

 

 

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT