Gentle Reader,

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Boy did that get out of hand quickly… At this point I think it’s best if I just forge ahead.

A St. Valentine’s Day gift from JT’s Confections says “I Love you to the moon and back” without having to go to all that trouble and expense of buying gloves, a hunting knife, a Ford Bronco and 15 rolls of paper towels. (Johnny Cochran died, right???? I’m not up for a lawsuit.)

Although St. Valentine’s Day is a faux holiday, it needs to be appreciated for what it can do for you. If you give a gift from JT’s Confections, St. Valentine’s Day is like your birthday; things happen on that day that won’t happen for another 364 days. On February 14th you’ll get to drink milk from the carton, eat pizza on the new couch, and watch “World War II” in color. If you were thinking this was heading in a different direction, you are a degenerate…call me.

With much humility Gentle Reader, I advise you to give the non-sharp gift of JT’s Confections on this Valentine’s Day. A gift from JT’s Confections will say “I love you” to your better half, your favorite child, the co-worker whom you are one leer from having a restraining order filed against you, or even your Mom. FYI, the second tier children should be given a box of Mike and Ikes….or nothing at all.

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To place an order, please log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and lose yourself. You will travel back in time to your childhood and to a world that was simple and safe. OK that last sentence was a little weird even by my standards.

We ship anywhere in the lower forty eight!

All orders must be placed by February 9th or when I suffer an emotional breakdown and close the site, which ever comes first.

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,
jan-img1
I’m confident you are religiously adhering to your well intended resolutions. However, as I encourage you to set goals and strive for personal betterment, you must also be realistic. I know for a fact that you will not lose 75 pounds by Valentine’s Day; there was only one Karen Carpenter.

jan-img2You will not stop drinking today; even Kitty Dukakis spent a few months banging back nail polish remover (Kitty cocktails) before she saw the light.

Finally, many of you upon serious self reflection, have determined that Hannibal Lecture is not the best role model for your work behavior. Stop your nonsense, you won’t change.

jan-img3

(OK everyone relax, I’m 40 pounds over weight, haven’t had a drink in 14 year, six months, two days and 12 hours, and I was the greatest HR nightmare of all time!)

 

 

The Store is Open!

jan-img4On a confectionery note, JT’s Confections is reopened!!

After our short post holiday break, the chocolate is scrapped from the ceiling, unconscious workers have been air lifted to local trauma centers and all the equipment is in good working order. For those of you who were not able to order online last month (we had to close the site early last year as demand increased 6000%* over the previous year), JT’s orders are again being filled.

jan-img5Again, Happy New Year to everyone. Make 2015 the best year of your life. As an FYI, if you are male, over 45, and date a super model at any point during the year it automatically makes it the best year…regardless of how nuts she is!!!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

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How many of you have a child, niece, nephew, or family friend who is in college? I’m not talking about the 51 year old who is going back to community college to redefine himself while creeping out every single female who roams the campus (cafeteria ladies, students, professors, public safety officers, physical plant engineers). I’m talking about the 18 to 23 who are transitioning into the adult world.

If you know someone who is coming of age, it’s time to step up and do something nice. Come mid October these kids are feeling the grind of that 8:00 am alarm two days a week and they need some love. It doesn’t matter what anthropological grouping the student falls into, they still need your help!

The Nerd:

img-oct-2Is there anything more taxing than studying 2 hours a day? Now try 12 hours! The brainiac needs to feed the gray matter. How else can you determine whether the spotted newt you’ve been examining for the past six hours is male or female? Our own scientific research indicates there is no better way to fuel brain activity than with JT’s Confections. Remember: E only = mc² when you eat JT’s.

The Stoner:

img-oct-3After doing massive bong hits all day while watching General Hospital, nothing tastes better than JT’s Confections. Our own scientific research indicates that JT’s improve short term memory and judgement (not really).

 

 

The Athlete:

img-oct-4Your student athlete is like a highly tuned sports car. They’re quick, aggressive, and need massive amounts of energy to power through the day. Our internal research indicates that JT’s is loaded with all the essential energy that your athlete needs. JT’s gives your athlete a fighting chance to maintain a 1.75 GPA and keep their scholarship (not really). FYI, 1.25 GPA will work at Southern Football Schools (not sure but probably true). Free 1/2 pound box of clusters to the first person who can identify #70.

The Drunk:

img-oct-5All bets are off. Some drunks eat JT’s like they are the Cookie Monster while others eat JT’s like it’s the most delicate morsel of food they have ever tasted. Regardless, our internal research indicates that JT’s helps to sober and focus the young student. Further, our research indicates that a diet high in JT’s Confections reduces the average drunkards college career from 6 1/2 years to 6 (not really).

 

For your convenience, we are offering three levels of love for your college care recipient.

Platinum:I love you more than anything” Appropriate for Parents and Grandparents and very thoughtful friends.

Gold:I love you” Appropriate for Aunts, Uncles, neighbors

Zinc:Don’t say I never gave you anything” Appropriate for unhinged parents, sociopaths, and inappropriate acting college professors.

img-oct-6So Gentle reader, please order a Care Package today. Remember, nothing says love like JT’s Confections or for your young college student whether they are family or friend. You are investing in their future!

Your Friend and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

WE’RE BACK….

It’s that time of year when the days get shorter, the air gets crisper, the kids head back to school, Mom’s are drinking wine out of pint glasses at 9:30 AM and JT’s Confections re-opens after our summer intermission.

Thanks Tan Mom! The human leather pocket book that just keeps giving…

What a summer it was! We visited Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana and one other state that I can’t remember but I do recall that in all four states it’s legal to marry at 14, cousins can marry each other at 12. We also visited Maine for the annual two day paint drying contest. This year it coincided with Maine’s two days of summer. (Hoping to insult all 50 states before I’m done!)

To chauffeur in the new confection’s season we’re running a global contest. The goal of the contest is to spread the good word according to JT to as many people as possible.

WIN a JT’s Confections Gift Basket!

The Rules are simple: The two readers who provide JT’s with the greatest number of LEGITIMATE email addresses will win a JT’s Gift Basket. To clarify, please only provide addresses for people who will appreciate our good works. I don’t want the email list for your grandmother’s floor mates at the nursing home. I’d probably kill a few of them anyway!

Do not fear gentle reader, this is a legitimate contest, not like the one my sister Ellen ran on me when I was seven. “Bob Barker” from Truth or Consequences sent me a handwritten letter that said if I did my sister Ellen’s chores for two weeks AND didn’t tell anyone about it, I’d win a bike. Fortunately for me our mother discovered Ellen’s horrendous crime (on the 10th day I made her bed) and unleashed the original shock and awe. Like most domestic shock and awe cases in the 60’s, there was much collateral damage!

To begin your quest for the basket, simply reply to this correspondence. Please include the names of the souls you deem worthy to be enlightened as well as their corresponding email addresses. Again, only people who are worthy and are in good physical/psychological health!

The Store is Open

Come visit the site at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and note that we are resuming shipping. As a personal favor, please do not order anything that needs to be shipped to the surface of the sun. Arizona, Texas, Florida, etc… Those shipping destinations will be opening up soon enough.

Thank you gentle reader.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

I’m writing to you while vacationing at the fringes of the world, Tennessee. Oh sure we could have visited London, Paris, Maui, or Stockholm but we’ve had our hearts set on seeing the International Barefoot Banjo Playing Contest brought to you by Young-ins Day Care Center who’s motto is, “Most seven month olds have more teeth than our care givers“. (OK so that one is probably going to leave a Tennessean black hole in our national sales figures. If it helps to salve the wounds, I had to spell check Tennessee. Big word with just a few letters…just sayin’).

BTW, Cletis and Montgomery took first place in their category, 60’s Pop. They killed it with When a Man Loves a Women by Percy Sledge.

In addition to soaking up the kulture in Tennessee, we’ve been getting JT’s Confections ready for the coming season. Based on the number of desperate phone calls pleading with us to make caramels over the summer…
“Just a taste Johnny, dats all I want, just a taste”, we’re looking forward a busy fall and winter season.

I’ll be back in a few weeks with firm dates as to when we kick off the fall campaign. There will be a few new wrinkles and surprises for you good people.

Enjoy the rest of your summer and the next time you hear When a Man Loves a Women, think of Cletis and Montgomery.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

Dad:
As some of you know, but I’m sure most don’t, Father’s Day is fast approaching. Oh sure you can tell yourself you knew, but you didn’t. Father’s Day is June 15, consider this your warning.

This year rather than buying Dad tools to make your life better or tube socks he can wear while doing yard work, give Dad something that’s going to make him feel loved. A gift from JT’s Confections is just the ticket. A box of confections will say “Today Dad, and today only, you will not be treated like the rented mule you are. Today Dad, and only today, you will have parity with the dog”. Speaking for all Dads, we know this is as good as it gets!

 

Miss Crabtree:
I know teacher appreciation gifts are always a vexing problem. Do you thank the teacher for shepherding your precious bundle of joy down life’s path while helping them reach their full potential or do you thank them for getting little Babette the *$%! out of your house for ten months.

No need to worry. A gift box from JT’s Confections says thank you for everything they have done. Our confections are so good they even say “thank you Miss Crabtree for not reporting the inappropriate remarks my husband made at Teacher Conference Night”. OMG!

Non sequitur:
Gentle reader don’t forget JT’s Confections is perfect for graduation party favors, wedding favors, bridal showers favors, and hostess gifts. I take comfort in that last sentence knowing that we make the best candy you’ll ever taste and that one day some arrogant, bloated executive at Nestles will be wondering:

1. Who is this JT and how does he make such great confections

2. What happened to my bank account
3. What happened to my 26 year old wife of four months.

Ja Ja Ja est ist sehr gut….

 

In closing:

Finally I’d like to share with you my favorite Haiku poem. I wrote this poem last year for college graduates as a source of inspiration as they begin a new chapter in their life…

Much Money was Spent
Sheepskin with Official Seal
Want to Super size

For those of you who didn’t take fourth grade poetry, that was a hysterical joke.

As an FYI, JT’s is not shipping until next fall. All orders are for local pick up or delivery.

Be well Gentle Reader, and do the right thing.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

A quick note.

I’d like to thank everyone who participated in the “For a Good Cause Candy Box” program benefiting the Summit Speech School.

Through this program we sold $4,5000 worth of JT’s Confections with 100% of the proceeds going to the Summit Speech School. This money will positively impact the lives of many children; an impact that will change the trajectory of their lives.

On a personal note, this program had a very positive impact on my life as well. I crossed paths with unbelievable people who work at the school, people who volunteer at the school and children who attend the school.

To the wonderful women who bought chocolates during the luncheon portion of the event and created a chocolate frenzy, you made me feel like I was in a boy band. For a chubby gray haired middle aged guy with bad knees, it doesn’t get any better. 

Thanks again to everyone and I hope we are even more successful next year.

John Tompkins

AKA JT

Gentle Reader,On January 22, 1973, the sports world witnessed one of the greatest upsets of all time; Joe Foreman knocked out Joe Frazier for the heavy weight boxing title in Kingston, Jamaica. Although it was arguably the biggest boxing upset of all time, it was Howard Cosell’s call of “Down goes Frazier!!” in the first round, that will forever be remembered. 

Well Gentle reader, if Howard Cosell was at the mall on March 30, 2014, he would have made similar history and yelled, “Down Goes the Easta Bunny!!” It started out innocently enough… 

JT: “Hey Easter Bunny your wife looks like she’s had a zillion kids!”
EB: “Hey JT’s you’re fat!!!” 

and…

easter bunny


easter bunny


DOWN GOES THE EASTA BUNNY!!!!!

OK, so I didn’t find out until the Easter Bunny regained consciousness that she was actually a 73 year old grandmother working the mall for extra money to pay the mortgage on the orphanage. But still….

Enough about her, if you would like to give your family or friends something really special on Easter or Passover this year, visit JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and order something from JT’s Confections.

Our handmade caramel pecan clusters, caramel filled pretzels, delicious caramels and the rest of our treats are made in small batches; they are always fresh and have NO preservatives.

As a public service announcement, most Easter and Passover candy was made before Halloween, most have more preservatives than Joan River’s face, and most use industrial dyes that are found in John Boehner’s spray on tan.

So if you would like to do something special this year for Easter or Passover, order from JT’s Confections and give your family a treat they will remember.

Thanks so much.
Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

easter chicken

Gentle Reader,

As Flavor Flav says… “Yeah Boyeeeeeeeee, time’s running out!”

If you want your Valentine to receive their JT’s Confections by February 14th you better get busy. Don’t disappoint AGAIN this year. We at JT’s conducted a scientific cause and effect study with over 75,000 participants. The results are summarized below.

Cause:                                                                                          Effect:

 

 

  • sighs
  • glares
  • loathing
  • and general malaise

 

 

 

  • jts chocolate clusters
  • love (or at least a 24 hour moratorium on eye rolling)
  • breakfast in bed
  • beers delivered to the lazy boy
  • and a second helping of lasagna without being asked “really???”

 

Need More Proof?

To further demonstrate the power of JT’s say the following out loud:

“Soft buttery caramels, delicious nutty clusters, chocolate covered Oreos, caramel filled pretzels smothered in chocolate, smooth dark chocolate cherrie pecan bark”

Now say it really slow:

“Soft buttery caramels, delicious nutty clusters, chocolate covered Oreos, caramel filled pretzels smothered in chocolate, smooth dark chocolate cherry pecan bark”

If that didn’t work you into a lather, I fear for your soul.

Finally gentle reader, please click onto the video link. FYI, it is OK for family viewing.

 

Until further notice, JT will only refer to himself in the third person and you are not permitted to make eye contact with JT.

 

Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, check out all our products, and let the love fest begin!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

As we careen to the most famous of made up holidays, Valentines Day, we turn our thoughts to buying the affection of loved ones or at least neutralizing their venom.

Ladies, I know you and your husband don’t see things eye to eye on a lot. How they see themselvesConsider for a moment the way you see your husband and the way he sees himself.

How your husband sees himself…

 

How you see your husband…

Men, like your counterparts you and your wife have a slightly different perspective of each other.

 

How your wife sees herself…

 

How you see your wife…

An interesting note: In 96.3% of our survey, both the husband and the wife viewed the wife as a witch…just sayin’.

So folks, make this fake holiday special and treat your spouse the way they see themselves. A red heart filled with adolescent candy that was manufactured last July, just won’t do. Note: if you’re a pimply faced thirteen year old pining for a girl with fancy hair, go with the heart.

We ship anywhere in the lower forty-eight!

Valentines Day is February 14th

Order Today!

Shop Now

Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, and let the magic begin. A gift from JT’s Confections will enhance your partners false sense of elevated intelligence, physical fitness, and social grace.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT