Gentle Reader,

2013 has come to a close and we embark on 2014 with all the optimism that any new year brings.

In 2013 we witnessed my gallant yet doomed bid to become the next Pope. I’d like to thank my Great Aunt Francine for her support. Unfortunately, the unbridled support of a 97 year old ex-communicated nun with Tourette’s, Alzheimer’s, and a penchant for “medical marijuana” was not enough. For the rest of you who were indifferent to my Papal quest, thanks! Thanks a lot!!!

I still dream….(It never gets old)

In 2014, I look forward to reaching many personal and professional goal.

Personal:
I’m committing myself to thinking outside of the box. I’m also looking forward to bringing my height and weight measurements in line with FDA guidelines. Keeping in mind my past failures, and my commitment to thinking outside of the box, I have decided to grow twelve inches rather than lose 40 lbs. By 2015 I should be a Bill Walton clone; 6’11”, 210 lbs with bad knees.

Professionally:
I am committed to causing sleepless nights for the executives at my larger competition. Oh, I’m not talking about Charlie’s Chocolate Cigars, or Bonnie’s Bad Chocolate Emporium, my sites are set on the playas. The Swiss, The Belgi

ans, and those clowns in PA.
FYI, this domination would have been easier if I had the Papal Army at my disposal…thanks A LOT guys!

JT’s Confections is growing faster than we had anticipated and we want to thank you all for you support and help this past year. In 2013, our confections were served at weddings, bat mitzvahs, first communions, anniversary parties, jail breaks as well as corporate functions. in 2014, JT’s will be donating candy to charitable organizations for fund raising to ensure that our good work is more than spiritual.

Thanks again for all your support. It has been a pleasure creating the finest caramels and pecan clusters for all of you. Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, check out all our products, and let the mayhem begin!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. To help fulfill your New Year resolution to be a better person, feel free to forward this email to a friend…and say three Hail Mary’s…

Gentle Reader,

I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It took a few days for the gallon of gravy I chugged to work it’s way out of my system. It wasn’t until the following Sunday that I stopped seeing gray spots and the burning sensation in my feet subsided. I love Thanksgiving!

So with that nutritional odyssey behind me, JT’s Confections heads for the home stretch; the Christmas season. How wonderful are the sites and sounds of the season?

The only thing missing is a holiday treat from JT’s Confections! What says Merry Christmas like a beautiful box of homemade caramel pecan clusters or caramel filled pretzels smothered in rich milk or dark chocolate? If you answered “Nothing”, you’re right! (I like to think I’m doing the Lord’s work. I also like to think I’m six feet tall and weigh 170 pounds…..)

Please visit our website at JTSCONFECTIONs.com to place your holiday order. It’s easy and really fun!!!

Please keep in mind that at some point, I will lose my mind, curl up in the fetal position and beg for Mommy to make it stop. Because I’m not sure when that’s going to happen, order now to avoid future heartache!!

If you have a large number of gifts, please email me at jtsconfections@gmail.com or call me at 908-377-9199 so we can manage your order in the most convenient manner.

Your Pal and Guide to a parallel universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

Client Gifts

It’s the most wonderful season of the year, the client gift giving season.  OK so most deer will have a more relaxing hunting season than you’ll have a gift giving season, but there is hope.  Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and feel your anxiety melt away. It’s like ingesting 1/2 your grandmother’s medicine cabinet in one go! Stay away from the estrogen though…

A gift from JT’s is impactful and will bring a smile to even your most demanding client. Who can resist soft buttery caramels, pecan caramel clusters,  pecan bark, chocolate covered OREOS and pretzels and something NEW…chocolate covered caramel filled pretzels! No you didn’t go too deep into Grandma’s cabinet, you heard that right…. CHOCOLATE COVERED CARAMEL FILLED PRETZELS!

 

To Order

JT’s has made it very easy to order. Simply log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and feel yourself freed from the shackles of gift giving! To further assist, we ship anywhere in the lower 48.  If you have a large number of gifts, please email me at jtsconfections@gmail.com or call me at 908-377-9199 so we can manage your order in the most convenient manner.

Long Overdue Recognition

At the very least, you’ll receive the award you always deserved but always were overlooked, employee of the month. You’ll even get your picture hung in reception.

Finally, an independent study demonstrates that after giving JT’s Confections as client gifts, most people accelerate their retirement by 2.6 years* .

* The legal department at JT’s disavows the scientific validity of this study.  In fact we are not convinced a study was even conducted.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT

OK, maybe the 2013-2014 collegiate year didn’t begin as you hoped. When you sent your sweet buttercup into the world, who could have imagined that your 18 year old freshman daughter was able to sign a legally binding “Girls Gone Wild” contract.I, for one, absolutely believe that it was not the actions of your 17 year old son that led to him being treated for alcohol poisoning at the campus infirmary. The only thing that makes sense is that someone slipped something into his diet coke and planted a fake ID on him while he was studying at the library.

I say to you gentle reader, rather than dwell on why the world is conspiring against your innocent child, you should let them know they are loved. Is there a better way to say I love you than a CARE package from JT’s Confections? Imagine how a mixed one pound box of clusters and caramels combined with a dozen chocolate covered OREOs will correct the trajectory of your child’s college education. It’s a very small price to pay to protect your $60,000 a year investment.

Please remember, if you don’t have a child in college, but know someone who does, it would be a wonderful act of kindness to send them a CARE package.

Please visit our website at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM to place your order.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,

JT

I am happy to report that the kids are back in school, the neighbor’s cat is MIA, and JT’s Confections “is baaaaack”. For those of you old enough to get the joke, you’re welcome. I need to confess that although we could have used another three weeks of preparation for the upcoming candy season, we could no longer ignore the public clamor for JT’s Confections. FYI forty pounds ago there used to be public clamor for JT!

We are looking forward to a very busy period between now and the New Year. JT’s Confections will be involved in weddings, anniversary parties, holiday gifts, and intense periods of self loathing.

Please visit our website at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and remind yourself of what you have been missing over these summer months. Please note we added chocolate covered OREOS and pretzels as well as dark chocolate, roasted pecan bark with cherries. I know…

Given the crazy weather, we probably won’t be shipping for a few more weeks but everything is available locally.

Thanks very much and I look forward to hearing from you.
Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

I correspond with you not as the maker of the world’s finest confections but as an intergalactic explorer. As you can tell from the photo, me and my assistant Anthony (pronounced Ant-knee in Jersey), recently visited the surface of the sun. Ant-knee’s hair jell caught fire in .003 seconds and his St.email-pic-bad-sunburn Christopher’s medal melted in under .076 seconds. Although the Sun was hotter than I thought it might be, it was a dry heat.

In addition to visiting the sun, we also went to Minnesota. It was a little like going to Vail and getting altitude sickness. When you first arrive, you don’t feel very well and don’t know why. After a few hours you realize you don’t feel well because you are from the east coast and aren’t used to nice people. Finally, after a few days your body adjusts and you can’t smile enough. It’s the greatest place on earth….you betcha!

Well it’s time for my next adventure. I call it travel roulette. I’ve packed my passport, eaten the contents of a label less bottle from my medicine cabinet and am being driven to the airport. Not to worry, I’ve done this two other times and no one got hurt. The first time I woke up in Latvia doing vodka shots. I’m assuming I consumed a bottle of Ambien. The second time I never left the airport. I had the cabbie take me home and I was surly and irrational for two weeks. I assume I ate a bottle of estrogen replacement therapy pills.

JT’s Confections will be back in September and I look forward to a seeing everyone in the fall. Enjoy the rest of your summer and relax. Be more Minnesotan…”Oh suuuure I sapose it’d be alright if ya rammed that shopping cart inta the side of my neew car”

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

Father’s Day:
I hope all the dad’s out there had a good Father’s Day. For those that received something from JT’s Confections, I’m sure it was the best Father’s Day ever. For those who did not, better luck with the family you and your soon to be gold digging trophy wife are going to start in a few years. As an added bonus when you are 62 and have a child in kindergarten, our soft, velvety caramels won’t rip your George Washington wooden teeth out.

Teachers Gifts:
Last call for teacher and staff gifts. Remember it takes a village to raise a child or in some cases, it takes a teacher, school nurse, teacher’s aid, Principal, bus driver and many many others so that you can get your drink on by 9:45 in the morning. Say thank you to everyone with something from JT’s Confections. Not only will the recipients be overjoyed with their gift, but your annual and always broken pledge of “I’m going to be a better parent over the summer” has some legitimacy.

Good bye for the Summer: Gone Fishing
After June, the staff at JT’s Confections will stop our alchemy operations until September. During the summer some of our JT’s Confections family will reconnect with their own families, some will be visiting Betty Ford, and some will be laying the ground work for a future Betty Ford visit. I will be traveling the world unlocking the mysteries of chocolate. So far my itinerary has Minneapolis and Conney Island. When we start production again in the fall, our capacity will be increased and there will be new delights on the menu.

Have a great summer and no need to worry, JT will be checking in periodically over the summer.
Thanks to everyone, it has been a fun year!

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

It’s that time of year when we are winding down for the summer and there are three things I want to discuss.

Teachers Gifts:
Is there a better way to say thank you to Miss Crabtree than with a fabulous 1/2 pound mixed box of caramels and cluster from JT’s Confections? Lets face it, if it wasn’t for the patience of Miss Crabtree your 15 year old paste eating child would not be starting fourth grade next fall. Please don’t forget to thank the supporting staff as well, nurses, bus drivers, principals, and secretaries. You should thank anyone who helped keep your kids out of the house for eight hours a day for the last nine months.

Haiku:
Do you know kids who are just graduating from college? What great parents they have. They just spent $250,000 so that their child could follow their passion and get a BS in North Dakota Prairie Haiku poems of the late 19th century. Not only have they allowed their child to follow their dreams their child is now an employment leper.

Much Money was Spent
Sheepskin with Official Seal
Want to Super size

Say “Congratulations, well done!” with something amazing from JT’s Confections.

Oh Yeah…Father’s Day.

Hook him up with something he’s going to like. Enough with the “stylish” clothes and trendy hair products. We are simple beasts. The best caramels and chocolate in the world from JT’s Confectionsare perfect!

Basket of JT's ConfectionsPlease remember that because of the weather, all orders must be picked up. There will be no shipping until next fall.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share with a friend.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

Time is running out fellas to get your wife or mother a meaningful gift for Mother’s Day. Oh sure your kids have made macaroni necklaces and clay piles of God knows what, but is that what she really wants? With those two gems, your wife ends Mother’s Day wearing the same expression Lizzy Borden had the week before she killed her family.

Do the right thing, call JT @ 908-377-9199 or simply reply to this email. With a 1 pound mixed box of clusters and caramels your wife is going to change her outlook on life and you will save your family from a certain messy death.

Inventory is going fast so please order ASAP to ensure your families safety. Given the date I can only do local pickup.

I can now take a nap knowing I have done all I can for your safety.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

I trust this correspondence finds you well. Spring has finally sprung and there are a few things that need to be addressed; Mother’s Day, Boston and global warming.

Mother’s Day:
Remember your Mom this Mother’s Day and say “thanks for all the great memories”. Sure she may have drank a few high balls and smoked a few butts during gestation but don’t hold it against her. I’m pretty sure your memories of her are much better than her memories of you! Do something that will finally make her proud of you. For a day let her think she finally got a child as good as the one my Mom got. Go to jtsconfections.com and do the right thing.

Boston:
I’d like to say way to hang tough Boston. Although you have the worst sports teams, even worse fans, and the absolute worst accent, you guys did well. NY sports fans respect the city of Boston and her citizens. Even in these tough times we must never forget the Red Sox stink!!!!

Global Warming:
Global warming is a catastrophe. When coupled with the residual cerebral effects of me usually winning the biggest bong hit contest in college the results are devastating. Unfortunately, I didn’t send this email out in time to offer shipping. Therefore, all orders must be local. When ordering on line, make sure you click the local delivery option. Not to worry. JT’s will be shipping again come the fall.

So get on line at jtsconfections.com and order early and order often. The kitchen will close for the summer shortly.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,

JT