Gentle Reader,

We at JT’s Confections would like to extend our sincerest congratulations to our new Pope, Pope Francis I. His friends call him psycho. If any of you guys call him Francis, you’re dead! Any of you guys touch his stuff…you’re dead! (settle down it’s a Stripes reference).

We would also like to thank everyone who wrote a letter to the Vatican in support of JT’s candidacy. We heard we were close, we fell short by only 72 votes.

The upside is that JT will be able to continue his good works at JT’s Confections. Please visit our website at www.jtsconfections.com to place your holy order.

For many of you JT’s Confections will be the closest you come to a spiritual experience over this most holy time so remember, order early and order often.

Thanks in advance for your support.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT (almost Pope Mac Daddius I)

Gentle Reader,

POPE: Dare to Dream!

Today I am announcing my mail in candidacy for the Pope. I know this is a little sudden but the resignation of his holiness surprised me as I’m sure it did most of you.

Please take a few moments and write a letter to the Vatican expressing your support for my Papal quest. In your letters please mention I’m a hard worker, you’ve known me for at least 10 years, I like to travel, I took three years of German in high school and of course I make the best caramel you’ve ever had. You can mail these letters to:

Via della Conciliazione 54
SCV-00120 CITTA DEL VATICANO

Please write ASAP because when I am Pope I plan on having a Fourth of July blow out at my summer residence that you will all be invited to. Not to worry, should my candidacy fall short, I will still be doing good works through JT’s Confections…

Easter and Passover.

If you have love in your heart you need to order JT’s Confections for the religious season. What are you really saying when you do all your Easter and Passover shopping during a 10 minute visit to Target? (The 10 minutes include you buying a road hot dog at the snack bar as you walk out the door) Does green plastic straw say “I love you”? Do bad marshmallow chicks covered in some disgusting sand/sugar hybrid dust say “I love you”? Do poor quality, hollow, chocolate bunnies with eyes that look like Linda Blair’s say “I love you”? Do plastic Moses action figures made in China say “I love you”? Do parting red sea Play Dough kits say “I love you”? The answer to all those questions is NO! You know what say’s “I love you”? JT’s Confections says “I love you”. It also says “God loves you”! Please visit our site at jtsconfections.com to order your religious offerings.

In addition to our traditional treats, this year we will be offering Easter and Passover baskets. These baskets include pecan caramel clusters, caramels, chocolate covered Oreos and pretzels as well as pecan bark. Unfortunately we will be only be able to do baskets for local delivery/pick up.

If you have friends that are morally bankrupt and could use the spiritual guidance that JT’s Confections provides, please feel free to forward this on. Thanks in advance for your support of my Papal candidacy and for allowing us at JT’s Confections to spread love and good will on your behalf.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

For all those who have not yet ordered JT’s Confections to atone for your previous 364 days of poor behavior, time is running short! Unlike Y2K, 100 gallons of bottled water, 12 cases of canned peas and a dank basement will not safe you this time. You really need to step it up and do the right thing.

Please visit jtsonfections.com and put yourself on the road of redemption. I’m just sayin….
Orders received after Friday will probably get to your better half or the A&P by Valentine’s Day, but no guarantees.

Thanks for all your support.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

PS for those who have already ordered JT’s Confections, your key to a better life will be shipped tomorrow

Gentle Reader,

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since we last celebrated the holiday that is totally dedicated to getting laid (FYI next to Ascension Thursday, Valentine’s day was Mother Theresa’s favorite holiday*) I know that some of you ladies out there are asking “In a man’s world, isn’t everyday dedicated to getting laid”? The answer to your semi rhetorical question is yes, but we also think about eating and world piece. (men spell it piece)

Anyway, back to the holiday at hand, Valentines day. This is the one true fake holiday that you let your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, life partner or the 26 year old divorced check out girl at the A&P know that you love them. Is there a better way to say I love you than by giving one of the aforementioned slobs JT’s Confections? Probably, but it won’t be candy and it won’t be under $1000.

Please visit us at jtsconfections.com and place your holiday order. For Valentine’s Day we have our traditional teal and chocolate packaging as well as sexy red love boxes…GRRR baby, GRRRRR. We ship anywhere to the lower 48. For any Mormons, the fifth, sixth and seventh wives are free! We’d like to thank you in advance for your orders and we’d also like to thank you for your past support. We really appreciate you allowing us to make your life better. I wish this was longer but most people don’t understand these emails so just remember to: Order early and Order often.

Thanks again!

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

*if anyone wants me to save them a seat in hell let me know. Be quick, I think I can save up to five, three already have dibs and I don’t see much chance of any one of them turning it around.

JT’s Confections has moved into a new kitchen.

With this space we will be able to meet our ever growing demand for personal gifts and make a bigger push into the world of corporate gifts. We have found that companies that have given our hand made confections to their customers get terrific feedback. It’s not uncommon to hear things like “why weren’t you giving these out before”?, “how did you find these guys”? and “I guess I better step up my business”.

Not only are our gifts delicious, these will fit your budget. You no longer have to give a shoddy gift that embarrasses both you and your company because it’s “in the budget”. We can provide you with gifts that you will be proud to give and your customers will be happy to receive. I say with confidence that your client’s family will never taste a cluster or caramel from JT’s; they won’t make it out of the office!

JT’s Confections is live at jtsconfections.com!

At JT’s Confections we have three goals:
1. make the best caramels and clusters that mankind has ever seen
2. sell them to you
3. from one and two make this world a better place.

I know these sound like very lofty goals, but to date we have accomplished the first and most difficult objective, we make the finest caramels know to man. Through jtsconfections.com we look to accomplish the second and third goal: sell them to you and world domination…I mean create a better world.

Please feel free to take a leisurely stroll through our website. If anything looks good, place an order and secure your position in a better world.

Is it me or did that read like Willy Wonka just hooked up with a martian?

Thanks to everyone who has supported us to this point and we look forward to making new friends as the company grows.