College Care Package or as the over achieving 2400 plus SATers say Collegiate Sustenance Program…

Gentle Reader,

How many of you have a child, niece, nephew, or family friend who is in college? I’m not talking about the 51 year old who is going back to community college to redefine himself while creeping out every single female who roams the campus (cafeteria ladies, students, professors, public safety officers, physical plant engineers). I’m talking about the 18 to 23 who are transitioning into the adult world.

If you know someone who is coming of age, it’s time to step up and do something nice. Come mid October these kids are feeling the grind of that 8:00 am alarm two days a week and they need some love. It doesn’t matter what anthropological grouping the student falls into, they still need your help!

The Nerd:

Is there anything more taxing than studying 2 hours a day? Now try 12 hours! The brainiac needs to feed the gray matter. How else can you determine whether the spotted newt you’ve been examining for the past six hours is male or female? Our own scientific research indicates there is no better way to fuel brain activity than with JT’s Confections. Remember: E only = mc² when you eat JT’s.

The Stoner:

After doing massive bong hits all day while watching General Hospital, nothing tastes better than JT’s Confections. Our own scientific research indicates that JT’s improve short term memory and judgement (not really).

The Athlete:

Your student athlete is like a highly tuned sports car. They’re quick, aggressive, and need massive amounts of energy to power through the day. Our internal research indicates that JT’s is loaded with all the essential energy that your athlete needs. JT’s gives your athlete a fighting chance to maintain a 1.75 GPA and keep their scholarship (not really). FYI, 1.25 GPA will work at Southern Football Schools (not sure but probably true). Free 1/2 pound box of clusters to the first person who can identify #70.

The Drunk:

All bets are off. Some drunks eat JT’s like they are the Cookie Monster while others eat JT’s like it’s the most delicate morsel of food they have ever tasted. Regardless, our internal research indicates that JT’s helps to sober and focus the young student. Further, our research indicates that a diet high in JT’s Confections reduces the average drunkards college career from 6 1/2 years to 6 (not really).

For your convenience, we are offering three levels of love for your college care recipient.

Platinum: “I love you more than anything” Appropriate for Parents and Grandparents and very thoughtful friends.

Gold: “I love you” Appropriate for Aunts, Uncles, neighbors

Zinc: “Don’t say I never gave you anything” Appropriate for unhinged parents, sociopaths, and inappropriate acting college professors.

So Gentle reader, please order a Care Package today. Remember, nothing says love like JT’s Confections or for your young college student whether they are family or friend. You are investing in their future!

Your Friend and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT