Gentle Reader,
Like myself, many of you are finally seeing an end to a brutal and long winter. This past winter brought freezing temperatures and excessive snow to the North East.
Because of this weather, there were gut wrenching stories from all over the country. In Buffalo, NY, a group of four adults froze to death while making a brave effort to hit the liquor store and “adult” store before the blizzard struck; tragically they began their quest too late. Those poor souls could have saved themselves if only they knew that if you hit the liquor store hard enough, there’s no need to go to the “adult” store.
In Boston, three Red Sox fans perished just because, well…they were Red Sox fans and were doing something stupid.
Mother nature is not happy with us; we need to perform an act that will appease her and bring natural harmony back to the world. If you’re like me, your first instinct is to throw a virgin in a volcano. Unfortunately, there are no active volcanoes in the North East and even if we had one, good luck finding a virgin (except maybe sister Sarah from Lancaster, PA…um Amish country).
Fear not gentle reader, I have the solution. Send your Mother, or the mother of your children, a gift from JT’s Confections. I beg of you don’t do as me and my siblings did. We all pitched in and bought our mother a box of Whitman Samplers. Not only was it horrible chocolate, we ate almost everything except those disgusting orange filled brown wax squares. Adding insult to injury, every piece we left for our mother had a finger hole in the back; we needed verify that there wasn’t any good candy left for our Mom. The finale layer of shame came when my mother realized that this was the only gift from her six children…. Happy Mother’s Day Ma!!!!
An aside, to add to the shame and disgrace of that, there were six of us chipping in!
Order your Mother’s Day treats from JT’s Confections and you’ll make all moms happy. If you make all moms happy, you make Mother Nature happy and save the world. OK, that may be a bit of a stretch but I got you this far so why not???
As always, it’s been a pleasure and feel free to share with an unhinged friend.
Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT
P.S. sorry if I offended any Amish but are you really allowed to have a computer? I’ll make a deal, you don’t say anything to the “Confection’s Board of Ethics” and I won’t say anything to the “Elders”.
You will not stop drinking today; even Kitty Dukakis spent a few months banging back nail polish remover (Kitty cocktails) before she saw the light.
On a confectionery note, JT’s Confections is reopened!!
Again, Happy New Year to everyone. Make 2015 the best year of your life. As an FYI, if you are male, over 45, and date a super model at any point during the year it automatically makes it the best year…regardless of how nuts she is!!!