Posts

Sad news from the North Pole

Gentle Reader,

It is with a heavy heart that I share this news.

Last night in Hämeenlinna Finland, Santa was arrested for public drunkenness. According to eyewitnesses, Santa consumed approximately 9 Manhattans before passing out at the bar. When the bartender woke Santa to ask him if he needed a ride home, he started yelling to anyone who would listen that his marriage was a sham and was based on a lie and I quote “The rabbit didn’t die 350 years ago, only Santa’s spirit”.

Santa

The alleged attacker Santa Claus (aka “Kris Kringle”)

 

Mrs. Claus

The alleged victim, Anna Nordstrom

Officer Big Mac

The arresting officer Lars Ollila

Santa then became aggressive and threw a punch at an elderly women, who according to eyewitnesses, looked like Mrs. Claus.

At approximately 2:00 AM, the Police arrived at the scene and after a brief struggle Santa was taken into custody.

Santa Claus Police Report

Santa Claus Police Report

 

 

Below is a copy of the Hämeenlinnan police report as translated by the Hämeenlinnan City Office of Pubic Affairs.

Gentle reader, I am here to tell you that although it is sad and painfully obvious that Santa can not be counted on for the Holidays this year, JT’s Confections is standing firm and is ready to take all your orders!

Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and place your holiday orders. We are still fully stocked with all our delicious Caramel Pecan Clusters, Caramel Filled Chocolate Covered Pretzels, Chocolate Covered Oreos®, Milk and Dark Chocolate Pecan Bark, Chocolate Covered Pretzels and of course our famous Caramels! We ship anywhere in the US. Please note, orders that need to be shipped must be placed by December 15th.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughtslogo It’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

/by

BIG Announcement from JT’s Confections!

Gentle Reader,

I can only imagine what many of you are thinking; “Has JT fathered a child with Kate Hudson?”. The answer is I’m not sure, but that’s not the news.

From this point forward, JT’S CONFECTIONS IS DONATING 50% OF NET PROFITS TO CHARITY.

I know most of you are asking yourself, what in God’s name has he done that has led him to this decision. I can assure you my motivation is not the result of any misdeeds on my part (in the last 45 minutes) but rather it’s a decision based on time management. I am trying to reduce the length of my “Pearly Gate discussion” from eight days to 45 minutes. After all, how many times can I really say, “It was a jooooooke”?

Although JT’s is still relatively small, our goal is to grow the business so that in a few years we can write meaningful checks to charities. As a quick FYI, any compensation that I take from the business will be taken after the charitable donations have been made.

On a separate note, the holiday season quickly approaches. If you are going to use JT’s for your corporate gifts this year, please let me know ASAP as things can get pretty intense over the next two months. To illustrate, I have included time-lapse photography from last year to demonstrate how insane things will get for me….

Me walking in (looking good)Me working (looking crazy)Me leaving (off to the funny farm)

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

/by

Christmas is approaching and you haven’t bought a thing!

Gentle Reader,

I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It took a few days for the gallon of gravy I chugged to work it’s way out of my system. It wasn’t until the following Sunday that I stopped seeing gray spots and the burning sensation in my feet subsided. I love Thanksgiving!

So with that nutritional odyssey behind me, JT’s Confections heads for the home stretch; the Christmas season. How wonderful are the sites and sounds of the season?

The only thing missing is a holiday treat from JT’s Confections! What says Merry Christmas like a beautiful box of homemade caramel pecan clusters or caramel filled pretzels smothered in rich milk or dark chocolate? If you answered “Nothing”, you’re right! (I like to think I’m doing the Lord’s work. I also like to think I’m six feet tall and weigh 170 pounds…..)

Please visit our website at JTSCONFECTIONs.com to place your holiday order. It’s easy and really fun!!!

Please keep in mind that at some point, I will lose my mind, curl up in the fetal position and beg for Mommy to make it stop. Because I’m not sure when that’s going to happen, order now to avoid future heartache!!

If you have a large number of gifts, please email me at jtsconfections@gmail.com or call me at 908-377-9199 so we can manage your order in the most convenient manner.

Your Pal and Guide to a parallel universe,

JT

/by