Gentle Reader,
We’re Back
It is with much satisfaction that I announce that JT’s Confections is fully stocked and ready for the new season. Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and reward yourself for being the best parent you could have been for those three hours last July 23rd!
Pope Francis
JT’s Confections would also like to welcome Pope Francis to the United States. While in the USA, Pope Francis will be visiting our nation’s capital, Washington DC; the world’s capital, New York City, and America’s answer to third world countries, Phillyfanistan.
Phillyfanistan
For those of you who are not familiar with Phillyfanistan, it’s a pagan society located in the south eastern region of Pennsylvania. This territory is inhabited by aggressive, loud, boorish, drunk people who worship false gods. These false gods are tall, massive, toothless beasts who are not able to complete a pass, hit a curve ball, score a goal or sink a free throw…when it counts.
Thank you Holy Father for your courage to visit Phillyfanistan. To quote my favorite Latin passage from the old testament… “Esum caseum CARNIS paniculum fartum edit, osculantur solitum campanulae sonum, et exi velociter ex ictos!”
Translation: “Eat a cheese steak sandwich, kiss the bell, and get out of dodge!”
College Care
Finally gentle reader, most of us have children, relatives or family friends who are attending an institution for higher learning. Please remember to send these urchins a gift from JT’s Confections. I don’t know how I can make it easier; just click here and become the better parent, aunt/uncle or family friend!
As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.
Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT
Close your eyes and you wouldn’t know the difference….just sayin’.
Is there anything more taxing than studying 2 hours a day? Now try 12 hours! The brainiac needs to feed the gray matter. How else can you determine whether the spotted newt you’ve been examining for the past six hours is male or female? Our own scientific research indicates there is no better way to fuel brain activity than with JT’s Confections. Remember: E only = mc² when you eat JT’s.
After doing massive bong hits all day while watching General Hospital, nothing tastes better than JT’s Confections. Our own scientific research indicates that JT’s improve short term memory and judgement (not really).
Your student athlete is like a highly tuned sports car. They’re quick, aggressive, and need massive amounts of energy to power through the day. Our internal research indicates that JT’s is loaded with all the essential energy that your athlete needs. JT’s gives your athlete a fighting chance to maintain a 1.75 GPA and keep their scholarship (not really). FYI, 1.25 GPA will work at Southern Football Schools (not sure but probably true). Free 1/2 pound box of clusters to the first person who can identify #70.
All bets are off. Some drunks eat JT’s like they are the Cookie Monster while others eat JT’s like it’s the most delicate morsel of food they have ever tasted. Regardless, our internal research indicates that JT’s helps to sober and focus the young student. Further, our research indicates that a diet high in JT’s Confections reduces the average drunkards college career from 6 1/2 years to 6 (not really).