Tag Archive for: college

Gentle Reader,

PhillyfanistanWe’re Back
It is with much satisfaction that I announce that JT’s Confections is fully stocked and ready for the new season. Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and reward yourself for being the best parent you could have been for those three hours last July 23rd!

Pope Francis
JT’s Confections would also like to welcome Pope Francis to the United States. While in the USA, Pope Francis will be visiting our nation’s capital, Washington DC; the world’s capital, New York City, and America’s answer to third world countries, Phillyfanistan.

For those of you who are not familiar with Phillyfanistan, it’s a pagan society located in the south eastern region of Pennsylvania. This territory is inhabited by aggressive, loud, boorish, drunk people who worship false gods. These false gods are tall, massive, toothless beasts who are not able to complete a pass, hit a curve ball, score a goal or sink a free throw…when it counts.

Thank you Holy Father for your courage to visit Phillyfanistan. To quote my favorite Latin passage from the old testament… “Esum caseum CARNIS paniculum fartum edit, osculantur solitum campanulae sonum, et exi velociter ex ictos!”
Translation: “Eat a cheese steak sandwich, kiss the bell, and get out of dodge!”
Faber CollegeCollege Care
Finally gentle reader, most of us have children, relatives or family friends who are attending an institution for higher learning. Please remember to send these urchins a gift from  JT’s Confections. I don’t know how I can make it easier; just click here  and become the better parent, aunt/uncle or family friend!

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,


John as Pope Pope Francis

Close your eyes and you wouldn’t know the difference….just sayin’.

Gentle Reader,


How many of you have a child, niece, nephew, or family friend who is in college? I’m not talking about the 51 year old who is going back to community college to redefine himself while creeping out every single female who roams the campus (cafeteria ladies, students, professors, public safety officers, physical plant engineers). I’m talking about the 18 to 23 who are transitioning into the adult world.

If you know someone who is coming of age, it’s time to step up and do something nice. Come mid October these kids are feeling the grind of that 8:00 am alarm two days a week and they need some love. It doesn’t matter what anthropological grouping the student falls into, they still need your help!

The Nerd:

img-oct-2Is there anything more taxing than studying 2 hours a day? Now try 12 hours! The brainiac needs to feed the gray matter. How else can you determine whether the spotted newt you’ve been examining for the past six hours is male or female? Our own scientific research indicates there is no better way to fuel brain activity than with JT’s Confections. Remember: E only = mc² when you eat JT’s.

The Stoner:

img-oct-3After doing massive bong hits all day while watching General Hospital, nothing tastes better than JT’s Confections. Our own scientific research indicates that JT’s improve short term memory and judgement (not really).



The Athlete:

img-oct-4Your student athlete is like a highly tuned sports car. They’re quick, aggressive, and need massive amounts of energy to power through the day. Our internal research indicates that JT’s is loaded with all the essential energy that your athlete needs. JT’s gives your athlete a fighting chance to maintain a 1.75 GPA and keep their scholarship (not really). FYI, 1.25 GPA will work at Southern Football Schools (not sure but probably true). Free 1/2 pound box of clusters to the first person who can identify #70.

The Drunk:

img-oct-5All bets are off. Some drunks eat JT’s like they are the Cookie Monster while others eat JT’s like it’s the most delicate morsel of food they have ever tasted. Regardless, our internal research indicates that JT’s helps to sober and focus the young student. Further, our research indicates that a diet high in JT’s Confections reduces the average drunkards college career from 6 1/2 years to 6 (not really).


For your convenience, we are offering three levels of love for your college care recipient.

Platinum:I love you more than anything” Appropriate for Parents and Grandparents and very thoughtful friends.

Gold:I love you” Appropriate for Aunts, Uncles, neighbors

Zinc:Don’t say I never gave you anything” Appropriate for unhinged parents, sociopaths, and inappropriate acting college professors.

img-oct-6So Gentle reader, please order a Care Package today. Remember, nothing says love like JT’s Confections or for your young college student whether they are family or friend. You are investing in their future!

Your Friend and Guide to a Parallel Universe,


OK, maybe the 2013-2014 collegiate year didn’t begin as you hoped. When you sent your sweet buttercup into the world, who could have imagined that your 18 year old freshman daughter was able to sign a legally binding “Girls Gone Wild” contract.I, for one, absolutely believe that it was not the actions of your 17 year old son that led to him being treated for alcohol poisoning at the campus infirmary. The only thing that makes sense is that someone slipped something into his diet coke and planted a fake ID on him while he was studying at the library.

I say to you gentle reader, rather than dwell on why the world is conspiring against your innocent child, you should let them know they are loved. Is there a better way to say I love you than a CARE package from JT’s Confections? Imagine how a mixed one pound box of clusters and caramels combined with a dozen chocolate covered OREOs will correct the trajectory of your child’s college education. It’s a very small price to pay to protect your $60,000 a year investment.

Please remember, if you don’t have a child in college, but know someone who does, it would be a wonderful act of kindness to send them a CARE package.

Please visit our website at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM to place your order.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,