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Sad Easter Bunny News

Gentle Reader,

I write to you this morning with a heavy heart. It has recently been brought to my attention that on March 27, 2019 in the small Michigan town on Port Austin, Michigan (a suburb of Pigeon) a local hunter happened upon the grisly murder scene of the Easter Bunny. Below a clipping from the local newspaper The Daily Thumb that tells the sad tale.

Easter Bunny news

So gentle reader, do not despair, JT’s Confections has all your Easter candy needs. SOLID Bunnies, Chocolate Covered Easter Marshmallows, Chocolate Covered Easter Oreos, Chocolate Covered Caramel Coconut Bites and Jelly Beans.
In addition to our chocolate covered pretzels, caramels, toffee, barks and the world’s greatest pecan caramel clusters!

If you love your kids, there is NO reason to be going to Rite Aid, Acme, Franks Cigar store or any other fraudulent candy dealer.

Please visit us at 1206 Sussex Turnpike in Randolph and help your kids forget the Easter Bunny. Easter Who???

We are open every day until April 19th (Good Friday). Our hours are 10:00 to 3:00 every day.

Feel free to call if you have any questions. 908-377-9199
(I hope you can see where next year’s Christmas message is going!)

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT

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DOWN GOES FRAZIER….and the EASTA BUNNY!!!, Johnny Cochran

Gentle Reader,On January 22, 1973, the sports world witnessed one of the greatest upsets of all time; Joe Foreman knocked out Joe Frazier for the heavy weight boxing title in Kingston, Jamaica. Although it was arguably the biggest boxing upset of all time, it was Howard Cosell’s call of “Down goes Frazier!!” in the first round, that will forever be remembered. 

Well Gentle reader, if Howard Cosell was at the mall on March 30, 2014, he would have made similar history and yelled, “Down Goes the Easta Bunny!!” It started out innocently enough… 

JT: “Hey Easter Bunny your wife looks like she’s had a zillion kids!”
EB: “Hey JT’s you’re fat!!!” 

and…

easter bunny


easter bunny


DOWN GOES THE EASTA BUNNY!!!!!

OK, so I didn’t find out until the Easter Bunny regained consciousness that she was actually a 73 year old grandmother working the mall for extra money to pay the mortgage on the orphanage. But still….

Enough about her, if you would like to give your family or friends something really special on Easter or Passover this year, visit JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and order something from JT’s Confections.

Our handmade caramel pecan clusters, caramel filled pretzels, delicious caramels and the rest of our treats are made in small batches; they are always fresh and have NO preservatives.

As a public service announcement, most Easter and Passover candy was made before Halloween, most have more preservatives than Joan River’s face, and most use industrial dyes that are found in John Boehner’s spray on tan.

So if you would like to do something special this year for Easter or Passover, order from JT’s Confections and give your family a treat they will remember.

Thanks so much.
Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

easter chicken

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Congrats to the new Pope!!

Gentle Reader,

We at JT’s Confections would like to extend our sincerest congratulations to our new Pope, Pope Francis I. His friends call him psycho. If any of you guys call him Francis, you’re dead! Any of you guys touch his stuff…you’re dead! (settle down it’s a Stripes reference).

We would also like to thank everyone who wrote a letter to the Vatican in support of JT’s candidacy. We heard we were close, we fell short by only 72 votes.

The upside is that JT will be able to continue his good works at JT’s Confections. Please visit our website at www.jtsconfections.com to place your holy order.

For many of you JT’s Confections will be the closest you come to a spiritual experience over this most holy time so remember, order early and order often.

Thanks in advance for your support.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT (almost Pope Mac Daddius I)

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Pope, Easter, Passover

Gentle Reader,

POPE: Dare to Dream!

Today I am announcing my mail in candidacy for the Pope. I know this is a little sudden but the resignation of his holiness surprised me as I’m sure it did most of you.

Please take a few moments and write a letter to the Vatican expressing your support for my Papal quest. In your letters please mention I’m a hard worker, you’ve known me for at least 10 years, I like to travel, I took three years of German in high school and of course I make the best caramel you’ve ever had. You can mail these letters to:

Via della Conciliazione 54
SCV-00120 CITTA DEL VATICANO

Please write ASAP because when I am Pope I plan on having a Fourth of July blow out at my summer residence that you will all be invited to. Not to worry, should my candidacy fall short, I will still be doing good works through JT’s Confections…

Easter and Passover.

If you have love in your heart you need to order JT’s Confections for the religious season. What are you really saying when you do all your Easter and Passover shopping during a 10 minute visit to Target? (The 10 minutes include you buying a road hot dog at the snack bar as you walk out the door) Does green plastic straw say “I love you”? Do bad marshmallow chicks covered in some disgusting sand/sugar hybrid dust say “I love you”? Do poor quality, hollow, chocolate bunnies with eyes that look like Linda Blair’s say “I love you”? Do plastic Moses action figures made in China say “I love you”? Do parting red sea Play Dough kits say “I love you”? The answer to all those questions is NO! You know what say’s “I love you”? JT’s Confections says “I love you”. It also says “God loves you”! Please visit our site at jtsconfections.com to order your religious offerings.

In addition to our traditional treats, this year we will be offering Easter and Passover baskets. These baskets include pecan caramel clusters, caramels, chocolate covered Oreos and pretzels as well as pecan bark. Unfortunately we will be only be able to do baskets for local delivery/pick up.

If you have friends that are morally bankrupt and could use the spiritual guidance that JT’s Confections provides, please feel free to forward this on. Thanks in advance for your support of my Papal candidacy and for allowing us at JT’s Confections to spread love and good will on your behalf.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

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