Posts

We’re Baaaaaaaaaaaack!, Pope Francis, Phillyfanistan, and College Care Package

Gentle Reader,
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PhillyfanistanWe’re Back
It is with much satisfaction that I announce that JT’s Confections is fully stocked and ready for the new season. Please visit us at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and reward yourself for being the best parent you could have been for those three hours last July 23rd!

Pope Francis
JT’s Confections would also like to welcome Pope Francis to the United States. While in the USA, Pope Francis will be visiting our nation’s capital, Washington DC; the world’s capital, New York City, and America’s answer to third world countries, Phillyfanistan.

Phillyfanistan
For those of you who are not familiar with Phillyfanistan, it’s a pagan society located in the south eastern region of Pennsylvania. This territory is inhabited by aggressive, loud, boorish, drunk people who worship false gods. These false gods are tall, massive, toothless beasts who are not able to complete a pass, hit a curve ball, score a goal or sink a free throw…when it counts.

Thank you Holy Father for your courage to visit Phillyfanistan. To quote my favorite Latin passage from the old testament… “Esum caseum CARNIS paniculum fartum edit, osculantur solitum campanulae sonum, et exi velociter ex ictos!”
Translation: “Eat a cheese steak sandwich, kiss the bell, and get out of dodge!”
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Faber CollegeCollege Care
Finally gentle reader, most of us have children, relatives or family friends who are attending an institution for higher learning. Please remember to send these urchins a gift from  JT’s Confections. I don’t know how I can make it easier; just click here  and become the better parent, aunt/uncle or family friend!

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

John as Pope Pope Francis

Close your eyes and you wouldn’t know the difference….just sayin’.

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Greetings from New Jersey…

Gentle Reader,sunburn guy

It’s been a while and I trust your summer was fantastic. As usual, my summer was a traveling quest for knowledge. With every stop in my travels I try to learn facts, make observations and from these facts and observations, draw sound conclusions.

In New Jersey, I learned that there are exactly 18 layers of skin covering an Irish forehead. Like many of you, I used to think that 18 are a lot of layers until I discovered the last 7 are very thin. Conclusion: Pasty white skin is more attractive than exposed skull.
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In Minnesota, I observed that almost everyone said to me, “Oh geez mister, we usually don’t do things like that around here. Don’t cha-know?…”
Conclusion:
Norwegians say the oddest things.

get off property man with shotgunIn North – man with shotgun Carolina, I observed that almost everyone said to me, “Now looky here mista, we don’t do that sorta thing in these here parts. I say…”.
Conclusion:
There are a lot of Norwegians in North Carolina.

So there you have it Gentle Reader, my summer in a nutshell. As you can see, I’ve really opened myself up to the world in preparation for the upcoming candy season.

I will be touching base again shortly to announce the official start of the candy season and the resumption of JTsConfections.com. I’m hoping mid September if the earth cools to a gentle simmer.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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We’re back!!! Tan Mom. Mushroom Cloud Anyone?

Gentle Reader,

WE’RE BACK….

It’s that time of year when the days get shorter, the air gets crisper, the kids head back to school, Mom’s are drinking wine out of pint glasses at 9:30 AM and JT’s Confections re-opens after our summer intermission.

Thanks Tan Mom! The human leather pocket book that just keeps giving…

What a summer it was! We visited Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana and one other state that I can’t remember but I do recall that in all four states it’s legal to marry at 14, cousins can marry each other at 12. We also visited Maine for the annual two day paint drying contest. This year it coincided with Maine’s two days of summer. (Hoping to insult all 50 states before I’m done!)

To chauffeur in the new confection’s season we’re running a global contest. The goal of the contest is to spread the good word according to JT to as many people as possible.

WIN a JT’s Confections Gift Basket!

The Rules are simple: The two readers who provide JT’s with the greatest number of LEGITIMATE email addresses will win a JT’s Gift Basket. To clarify, please only provide addresses for people who will appreciate our good works. I don’t want the email list for your grandmother’s floor mates at the nursing home. I’d probably kill a few of them anyway!

Do not fear gentle reader, this is a legitimate contest, not like the one my sister Ellen ran on me when I was seven. “Bob Barker” from Truth or Consequences sent me a handwritten letter that said if I did my sister Ellen’s chores for two weeks AND didn’t tell anyone about it, I’d win a bike. Fortunately for me our mother discovered Ellen’s horrendous crime (on the 10th day I made her bed) and unleashed the original shock and awe. Like most domestic shock and awe cases in the 60’s, there was much collateral damage!

To begin your quest for the basket, simply reply to this correspondence. Please include the names of the souls you deem worthy to be enlightened as well as their corresponding email addresses. Again, only people who are worthy and are in good physical/psychological health!

The Store is Open

Come visit the site at JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and note that we are resuming shipping. As a personal favor, please do not order anything that needs to be shipped to the surface of the sun. Arizona, Texas, Florida, etc… Those shipping destinations will be opening up soon enough.

Thank you gentle reader.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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