Posts

The Evolution of Dad

The Prehistoric Period, The Tobacco, Caffeine and Alcohol Period, The Estrogen Period. The Evolution of Dad

As we approach the beginning of June and Mother’s Day celebrations begin to wind down, we turn our attention towards those two hours dedicated to Dad, commonly known as Father’s Day. This year, Father’s “Day” will fall on June 21st.

I think this year Dads should be rewarded for their evolution as a species (for the newlyweds out there, after five years of marriage, women consider men a different, inferior species). In the April issue of Anthropological Quarterly AQ, the evolution of Dads is discussed in great detail.

prehistoric dadPrehistoric Dad Period:
During this period, Dads were characterized as antisocial, belligerent malcontents. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, was usually followed by fire and an abundance of meat. Discipline was instilled with a club. This phase lasted from 200,000 BC until 1698.

Scary DadTobacco, Caffeine, and Alcohol Dad Period:
During this period, Dads were characterized as antisocial belligerent malcontents. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, was usually followed by violence, incoherent screaming and uncomfortable dinners. Discipline was instilled with a belt. This phase lasted from 1699 until 1995.

Estrogen Dad Period:Mr D
Presently, Dads are characterized as emotionally soft, rudderless jellyfish. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, is usually followed by sushi, ice cream cones and trophies for coming in 8th place in a six-team tournament. It’s a total shambles. Discipline is instilled with a hug. This phase began in 1996 and continues today.

OK, so we may have over shot the mark a little, but we are trying. This year reward your father and all fathers for their collective evolution by giving them a fantastic gift from JT’s Confections. Let the taste of JT’s bring your Dad back to a time when Dads were scary and eye contact was to be avoided at all costs.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. Because the earth is two degrees from catching on fire, local pick up only…

/by

Dad, Miss Crabtree, Bloated Nestles Executive

Gentle Reader,

Dad:
As some of you know, but I’m sure most don’t, Father’s Day is fast approaching. Oh sure you can tell yourself you knew, but you didn’t. Father’s Day is June 15, consider this your warning.

This year rather than buying Dad tools to make your life better or tube socks he can wear while doing yard work, give Dad something that’s going to make him feel loved. A gift from JT’s Confections is just the ticket. A box of confections will say “Today Dad, and today only, you will not be treated like the rented mule you are. Today Dad, and only today, you will have parity with the dog”. Speaking for all Dads, we know this is as good as it gets!

 

Miss Crabtree:
I know teacher appreciation gifts are always a vexing problem. Do you thank the teacher for shepherding your precious bundle of joy down life’s path while helping them reach their full potential or do you thank them for getting little Babette the *$%! out of your house for ten months.

No need to worry. A gift box from JT’s Confections says thank you for everything they have done. Our confections are so good they even say “thank you Miss Crabtree for not reporting the inappropriate remarks my husband made at Teacher Conference Night”. OMG!

Non sequitur:
Gentle reader don’t forget JT’s Confections is perfect for graduation party favors, wedding favors, bridal showers favors, and hostess gifts. I take comfort in that last sentence knowing that we make the best candy you’ll ever taste and that one day some arrogant, bloated executive at Nestles will be wondering:

1. Who is this JT and how does he make such great confections

2. What happened to my bank account
3. What happened to my 26 year old wife of four months.

Ja Ja Ja est ist sehr gut….

 

In closing:

Finally I’d like to share with you my favorite Haiku poem. I wrote this poem last year for college graduates as a source of inspiration as they begin a new chapter in their life…

Much Money was Spent
Sheepskin with Official Seal
Want to Super size

For those of you who didn’t take fourth grade poetry, that was a hysterical joke.

As an FYI, JT’s is not shipping until next fall. All orders are for local pick up or delivery.

Be well Gentle Reader, and do the right thing.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT

/by

Teacher’s Gifts, Haiku, and oh yeah almost forgot, Father’s Day….

Gentle Reader,

It’s that time of year when we are winding down for the summer and there are three things I want to discuss.

Teachers Gifts:
Is there a better way to say thank you to Miss Crabtree than with a fabulous 1/2 pound mixed box of caramels and cluster from JT’s Confections? Lets face it, if it wasn’t for the patience of Miss Crabtree your 15 year old paste eating child would not be starting fourth grade next fall. Please don’t forget to thank the supporting staff as well, nurses, bus drivers, principals, and secretaries. You should thank anyone who helped keep your kids out of the house for eight hours a day for the last nine months.

Haiku:
Do you know kids who are just graduating from college? What great parents they have. They just spent $250,000 so that their child could follow their passion and get a BS in North Dakota Prairie Haiku poems of the late 19th century. Not only have they allowed their child to follow their dreams their child is now an employment leper.

Much Money was Spent
Sheepskin with Official Seal
Want to Super size

Say “Congratulations, well done!” with something amazing from JT’s Confections.

Oh Yeah…Father’s Day.

Hook him up with something he’s going to like. Enough with the “stylish” clothes and trendy hair products. We are simple beasts. The best caramels and chocolate in the world from JT’s Confectionsare perfect!

Basket of JT's ConfectionsPlease remember that because of the weather, all orders must be picked up. There will be no shipping until next fall.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share with a friend.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

/by