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Mother's Day 2016

Gentle Reader,
As many of you women, but very few of you men know, Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 8th. This year and I want to share a few absolutes I have learned about Moms.The 4 moms - Mother's Day 2016

The first absolute truth: There are four kinds of Moms.

The sweet clueless mom. They are generally pretty cute but stop developing emotionally when they are 12. They are usually married to architects.

The cool mom. Like the sweet clueless mom, they are generally cute, however, they are emotionally mature, and allow kids to drink in their houses.They are usually married to professional athletes.

The hot creepy mom. They are scary and their houses look like an ant colony filled with teenage boys calling on their socially awkward daughters. They are usually married to accountants.

Your mom! Although you believe you are the only person with this kind of mom, 97% of all moms fall into this category.  They are usually married to every dad you know.

The second absolute truth: When it comes to Mother’s day, the mother of your children is your defacto Mom (The four kinds of Moms still apply).

The third absolute truth: Mom’s do not like gifts of power washers, cordless drills, chain saws, Atari game consoles, Rain Ex, bottles of Johnny Walker, or new garbage disposals.(My father actually gave my mother a garbage disposal for Mother’s Day one year. How he was allowed to father six children is beyond my ability to reason…Can anyone say Martini???)

The fourth absolute truth: All Mom’s love a gift from JT’s Confections!!!

confections So gentle reader here is some free advice for you. For this Mother’s Day, give the mother of your children, or your actual mother, a gift basket or a box of gourmet chocolates from JT’s Confections. It’s as easy as logging onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and making it happen! Please note the earth has moved 3000 miles closer to the sun over the last 12 months and things have warmed up. Be aware of where you want your order sent and make sure the temperature is appropriate.
Also note: local orders may be picked up.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

Dad:
As some of you know, but I’m sure most don’t, Father’s Day is fast approaching. Oh sure you can tell yourself you knew, but you didn’t. Father’s Day is June 15, consider this your warning.

This year rather than buying Dad tools to make your life better or tube socks he can wear while doing yard work, give Dad something that’s going to make him feel loved. A gift from JT’s Confections is just the ticket. A box of confections will say “Today Dad, and today only, you will not be treated like the rented mule you are. Today Dad, and only today, you will have parity with the dog”. Speaking for all Dads, we know this is as good as it gets!

 

Miss Crabtree:
I know teacher appreciation gifts are always a vexing problem. Do you thank the teacher for shepherding your precious bundle of joy down life’s path while helping them reach their full potential or do you thank them for getting little Babette the *$%! out of your house for ten months.

No need to worry. A gift box from JT’s Confections says thank you for everything they have done. Our confections are so good they even say “thank you Miss Crabtree for not reporting the inappropriate remarks my husband made at Teacher Conference Night”. OMG!

Non sequitur:
Gentle reader don’t forget JT’s Confections is perfect for graduation party favors, wedding favors, bridal showers favors, and hostess gifts. I take comfort in that last sentence knowing that we make the best candy you’ll ever taste and that one day some arrogant, bloated executive at Nestles will be wondering:

1. Who is this JT and how does he make such great confections

2. What happened to my bank account
3. What happened to my 26 year old wife of four months.

Ja Ja Ja est ist sehr gut….

 

In closing:

Finally I’d like to share with you my favorite Haiku poem. I wrote this poem last year for college graduates as a source of inspiration as they begin a new chapter in their life…

Much Money was Spent
Sheepskin with Official Seal
Want to Super size

For those of you who didn’t take fourth grade poetry, that was a hysterical joke.

As an FYI, JT’s is not shipping until next fall. All orders are for local pick up or delivery.

Be well Gentle Reader, and do the right thing.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

As Flavor Flav says… “Yeah Boyeeeeeeeee, time’s running out!”

If you want your Valentine to receive their JT’s Confections by February 14th you better get busy. Don’t disappoint AGAIN this year. We at JT’s conducted a scientific cause and effect study with over 75,000 participants. The results are summarized below.

Cause:                                                                                          Effect:

 

 

  • sighs
  • glares
  • loathing
  • and general malaise

 

 

 

  • jts chocolate clusters
  • love (or at least a 24 hour moratorium on eye rolling)
  • breakfast in bed
  • beers delivered to the lazy boy
  • and a second helping of lasagna without being asked “really???”

 

Need More Proof?

To further demonstrate the power of JT’s say the following out loud:

“Soft buttery caramels, delicious nutty clusters, chocolate covered Oreos, caramel filled pretzels smothered in chocolate, smooth dark chocolate cherrie pecan bark”

Now say it really slow:

“Soft buttery caramels, delicious nutty clusters, chocolate covered Oreos, caramel filled pretzels smothered in chocolate, smooth dark chocolate cherry pecan bark”

If that didn’t work you into a lather, I fear for your soul.

Finally gentle reader, please click onto the video link. FYI, it is OK for family viewing.

 

Until further notice, JT will only refer to himself in the third person and you are not permitted to make eye contact with JT.

 

Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, check out all our products, and let the love fest begin!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It took a few days for the gallon of gravy I chugged to work it’s way out of my system. It wasn’t until the following Sunday that I stopped seeing gray spots and the burning sensation in my feet subsided. I love Thanksgiving!

So with that nutritional odyssey behind me, JT’s Confections heads for the home stretch; the Christmas season. How wonderful are the sites and sounds of the season?

The only thing missing is a holiday treat from JT’s Confections! What says Merry Christmas like a beautiful box of homemade caramel pecan clusters or caramel filled pretzels smothered in rich milk or dark chocolate? If you answered “Nothing”, you’re right! (I like to think I’m doing the Lord’s work. I also like to think I’m six feet tall and weigh 170 pounds…..)

Please visit our website at JTSCONFECTIONs.com to place your holiday order. It’s easy and really fun!!!

Please keep in mind that at some point, I will lose my mind, curl up in the fetal position and beg for Mommy to make it stop. Because I’m not sure when that’s going to happen, order now to avoid future heartache!!

If you have a large number of gifts, please email me at jtsconfections@gmail.com or call me at 908-377-9199 so we can manage your order in the most convenient manner.

Your Pal and Guide to a parallel universe,

JT

Gentle Reader,

Client Gifts

It’s the most wonderful season of the year, the client gift giving season.  OK so most deer will have a more relaxing hunting season than you’ll have a gift giving season, but there is hope.  Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and feel your anxiety melt away. It’s like ingesting 1/2 your grandmother’s medicine cabinet in one go! Stay away from the estrogen though…

A gift from JT’s is impactful and will bring a smile to even your most demanding client. Who can resist soft buttery caramels, pecan caramel clusters,  pecan bark, chocolate covered OREOS and pretzels and something NEW…chocolate covered caramel filled pretzels! No you didn’t go too deep into Grandma’s cabinet, you heard that right…. CHOCOLATE COVERED CARAMEL FILLED PRETZELS!

 

To Order

JT’s has made it very easy to order. Simply log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and feel yourself freed from the shackles of gift giving! To further assist, we ship anywhere in the lower 48.  If you have a large number of gifts, please email me at jtsconfections@gmail.com or call me at 908-377-9199 so we can manage your order in the most convenient manner.

Long Overdue Recognition

At the very least, you’ll receive the award you always deserved but always were overlooked, employee of the month. You’ll even get your picture hung in reception.

Finally, an independent study demonstrates that after giving JT’s Confections as client gifts, most people accelerate their retirement by 2.6 years* .

* The legal department at JT’s disavows the scientific validity of this study.  In fact we are not convinced a study was even conducted.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

It’s that time of year when we are winding down for the summer and there are three things I want to discuss.

Teachers Gifts:
Is there a better way to say thank you to Miss Crabtree than with a fabulous 1/2 pound mixed box of caramels and cluster from JT’s Confections? Lets face it, if it wasn’t for the patience of Miss Crabtree your 15 year old paste eating child would not be starting fourth grade next fall. Please don’t forget to thank the supporting staff as well, nurses, bus drivers, principals, and secretaries. You should thank anyone who helped keep your kids out of the house for eight hours a day for the last nine months.

Haiku:
Do you know kids who are just graduating from college? What great parents they have. They just spent $250,000 so that their child could follow their passion and get a BS in North Dakota Prairie Haiku poems of the late 19th century. Not only have they allowed their child to follow their dreams their child is now an employment leper.

Much Money was Spent
Sheepskin with Official Seal
Want to Super size

Say “Congratulations, well done!” with something amazing from JT’s Confections.

Oh Yeah…Father’s Day.

Hook him up with something he’s going to like. Enough with the “stylish” clothes and trendy hair products. We are simple beasts. The best caramels and chocolate in the world from JT’s Confectionsare perfect!

Basket of JT's ConfectionsPlease remember that because of the weather, all orders must be picked up. There will be no shipping until next fall.

Thanks for reading and feel free to share with a friend.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

Gentle Reader,

Time is running out fellas to get your wife or mother a meaningful gift for Mother’s Day. Oh sure your kids have made macaroni necklaces and clay piles of God knows what, but is that what she really wants? With those two gems, your wife ends Mother’s Day wearing the same expression Lizzy Borden had the week before she killed her family.

Do the right thing, call JT @ 908-377-9199 or simply reply to this email. With a 1 pound mixed box of clusters and caramels your wife is going to change her outlook on life and you will save your family from a certain messy death.

Inventory is going fast so please order ASAP to ensure your families safety. Given the date I can only do local pickup.

I can now take a nap knowing I have done all I can for your safety.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT