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Words of Wisdom for this Mother’s Day…

Mother's Day 2016

Gentle Reader,
As many of you women, but very few of you men know, Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 8th. This year and I want to share a few absolutes I have learned about Moms.The 4 moms - Mother's Day 2016

The first absolute truth: There are four kinds of Moms.

The sweet clueless mom. They are generally pretty cute but stop developing emotionally when they are 12. They are usually married to architects.

The cool mom. Like the sweet clueless mom, they are generally cute, however, they are emotionally mature, and allow kids to drink in their houses.They are usually married to professional athletes.

The hot creepy mom. They are scary and their houses look like an ant colony filled with teenage boys calling on their socially awkward daughters. They are usually married to accountants.

Your mom! Although you believe you are the only person with this kind of mom, 97% of all moms fall into this category.  They are usually married to every dad you know.

The second absolute truth: When it comes to Mother’s day, the mother of your children is your defacto Mom (The four kinds of Moms still apply).

The third absolute truth: Mom’s do not like gifts of power washers, cordless drills, chain saws, Atari game consoles, Rain Ex, bottles of Johnny Walker, or new garbage disposals.(My father actually gave my mother a garbage disposal for Mother’s Day one year. How he was allowed to father six children is beyond my ability to reason…Can anyone say Martini???)

The fourth absolute truth: All Mom’s love a gift from JT’s Confections!!!

confections So gentle reader here is some free advice for you. For this Mother’s Day, give the mother of your children, or your actual mother, a gift basket or a box of gourmet chocolates from JT’s Confections. It’s as easy as logging onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and making it happen! Please note the earth has moved 3000 miles closer to the sun over the last 12 months and things have warmed up. Be aware of where you want your order sent and make sure the temperature is appropriate.
Also note: local orders may be picked up.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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Lizzy Borden and Mother’s Day….

Gentle Reader,

Time is running out fellas to get your wife or mother a meaningful gift for Mother’s Day. Oh sure your kids have made macaroni necklaces and clay piles of God knows what, but is that what she really wants? With those two gems, your wife ends Mother’s Day wearing the same expression Lizzy Borden had the week before she killed her family.

Do the right thing, call JT @ 908-377-9199 or simply reply to this email. With a 1 pound mixed box of clusters and caramels your wife is going to change her outlook on life and you will save your family from a certain messy death.

Inventory is going fast so please order ASAP to ensure your families safety. Given the date I can only do local pickup.

I can now take a nap knowing I have done all I can for your safety.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

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Mother’s Day, Boston, Global Warming….

Gentle Reader,

I trust this correspondence finds you well. Spring has finally sprung and there are a few things that need to be addressed; Mother’s Day, Boston and global warming.

Mother’s Day:
Remember your Mom this Mother’s Day and say “thanks for all the great memories”. Sure she may have drank a few high balls and smoked a few butts during gestation but don’t hold it against her. I’m pretty sure your memories of her are much better than her memories of you! Do something that will finally make her proud of you. For a day let her think she finally got a child as good as the one my Mom got. Go to jtsconfections.com and do the right thing.

Boston:
I’d like to say way to hang tough Boston. Although you have the worst sports teams, even worse fans, and the absolute worst accent, you guys did well. NY sports fans respect the city of Boston and her citizens. Even in these tough times we must never forget the Red Sox stink!!!!

Global Warming:
Global warming is a catastrophe. When coupled with the residual cerebral effects of me usually winning the biggest bong hit contest in college the results are devastating. Unfortunately, I didn’t send this email out in time to offer shipping. Therefore, all orders must be local. When ordering on line, make sure you click the local delivery option. Not to worry. JT’s will be shipping again come the fall.

So get on line at jtsconfections.com and order early and order often. The kitchen will close for the summer shortly.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,

JT

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