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Words of Wisdom for this Mother’s Day…

Mother's Day 2016

Gentle Reader,
As many of you women, but very few of you men know, Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 8th. This year and I want to share a few absolutes I have learned about Moms.The 4 moms - Mother's Day 2016

The first absolute truth: There are four kinds of Moms.

The sweet clueless mom. They are generally pretty cute but stop developing emotionally when they are 12. They are usually married to architects.

The cool mom. Like the sweet clueless mom, they are generally cute, however, they are emotionally mature, and allow kids to drink in their houses.They are usually married to professional athletes.

The hot creepy mom. They are scary and their houses look like an ant colony filled with teenage boys calling on their socially awkward daughters. They are usually married to accountants.

Your mom! Although you believe you are the only person with this kind of mom, 97% of all moms fall into this category.  They are usually married to every dad you know.

The second absolute truth: When it comes to Mother’s day, the mother of your children is your defacto Mom (The four kinds of Moms still apply).

The third absolute truth: Mom’s do not like gifts of power washers, cordless drills, chain saws, Atari game consoles, Rain Ex, bottles of Johnny Walker, or new garbage disposals.(My father actually gave my mother a garbage disposal for Mother’s Day one year. How he was allowed to father six children is beyond my ability to reason…Can anyone say Martini???)

The fourth absolute truth: All Mom’s love a gift from JT’s Confections!!!

confections So gentle reader here is some free advice for you. For this Mother’s Day, give the mother of your children, or your actual mother, a gift basket or a box of gourmet chocolates from JT’s Confections. It’s as easy as logging onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and making it happen! Please note the earth has moved 3000 miles closer to the sun over the last 12 months and things have warmed up. Be aware of where you want your order sent and make sure the temperature is appropriate.
Also note: local orders may be picked up.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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The Evolution of Dad

The Prehistoric Period, The Tobacco, Caffeine and Alcohol Period, The Estrogen Period. The Evolution of Dad

As we approach the beginning of June and Mother’s Day celebrations begin to wind down, we turn our attention towards those two hours dedicated to Dad, commonly known as Father’s Day. This year, Father’s “Day” will fall on June 21st.

I think this year Dads should be rewarded for their evolution as a species (for the newlyweds out there, after five years of marriage, women consider men a different, inferior species). In the April issue of Anthropological Quarterly AQ, the evolution of Dads is discussed in great detail.

prehistoric dadPrehistoric Dad Period:
During this period, Dads were characterized as antisocial, belligerent malcontents. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, was usually followed by fire and an abundance of meat. Discipline was instilled with a club. This phase lasted from 200,000 BC until 1698.

Scary DadTobacco, Caffeine, and Alcohol Dad Period:
During this period, Dads were characterized as antisocial belligerent malcontents. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, was usually followed by violence, incoherent screaming and uncomfortable dinners. Discipline was instilled with a belt. This phase lasted from 1699 until 1995.

Estrogen Dad Period:Mr D
Presently, Dads are characterized as emotionally soft, rudderless jellyfish. The phrase, “Wait until you father gets home”, is usually followed by sushi, ice cream cones and trophies for coming in 8th place in a six-team tournament. It’s a total shambles. Discipline is instilled with a hug. This phase began in 1996 and continues today.

OK, so we may have over shot the mark a little, but we are trying. This year reward your father and all fathers for their collective evolution by giving them a fantastic gift from JT’s Confections. Let the taste of JT’s bring your Dad back to a time when Dads were scary and eye contact was to be avoided at all costs.

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. Because the earth is two degrees from catching on fire, local pick up only…

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Red Sox, Mother Nature, and Mom…

Gentle Reader,

Red Sox FanLike myself, many of you are finally seeing an end to a brutal and long winter. This past winter brought freezing temperatures and excessive snow to the North East.

Because of this weather, there were gut wrenching stories from all over the country. In Buffalo, NY, a group of four adults froze to death while making a brave effort to hit the liquor store and “adult” store before the blizzard struck; tragically they began their quest too late. Those poor souls could have saved themselves if only they knew that if you hit the liquor store hard enough, there’s no need to go to the “adult” store.

In Boston, three Red Sox fans perished just because, well…they were Red Sox fans and were doing something stupid.

Mother NatureMother nature is not happy with us; we need to perform an act that will appease her and bring natural harmony back to the world. If you’re like me, your first instinct is to throw a virgin in a volcano. Unfortunately, there are no active volcanoes in the North East and even if we had one, good luck finding a virgin (except maybe sister Sarah from Lancaster, PA…um Amish country).

Mrs. BradyFear not gentle reader, I have the solution. Send your Mother, or the mother of your children, a gift from JT’s Confections. I beg of you don’t do as me and my siblings did. We all pitched in and bought our mother a box of Whitman Samplers. Not only was it horrible chocolate, we ate almost everything except those disgusting orange filled brown wax squares. Adding insult to injury, every piece we left for our mother had a finger hole in the back; we needed verify that there wasn’t any good candy left for our Mom. The finale layer of shame came when my mother realized that this was the only gift from her six children…. Happy Mother’s Day Ma!!!!

An aside, to add to the shame and disgrace of that, there were six of us chipping in!

Order your Mother’s Day treats from JT’s Confections and you’ll make all moms happy. If you make all moms happy, you make Mother Nature happy and save the world. OK, that may be a bit of a stretch but I got you this far so why not???

As always, it’s been a pleasure and feel free to share with an unhinged friend.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. sorry if I offended any Amish but are you really allowed to have a computer? I’ll make a deal, you don’t say anything to the “Confection’s Board of Ethics” and I won’t say anything to the “Elders”.

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Lizzy Borden and Mother’s Day….

Gentle Reader,

Time is running out fellas to get your wife or mother a meaningful gift for Mother’s Day. Oh sure your kids have made macaroni necklaces and clay piles of God knows what, but is that what she really wants? With those two gems, your wife ends Mother’s Day wearing the same expression Lizzy Borden had the week before she killed her family.

Do the right thing, call JT @ 908-377-9199 or simply reply to this email. With a 1 pound mixed box of clusters and caramels your wife is going to change her outlook on life and you will save your family from a certain messy death.

Inventory is going fast so please order ASAP to ensure your families safety. Given the date I can only do local pickup.

I can now take a nap knowing I have done all I can for your safety.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

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Mother’s Day, Boston, Global Warming….

Gentle Reader,

I trust this correspondence finds you well. Spring has finally sprung and there are a few things that need to be addressed; Mother’s Day, Boston and global warming.

Mother’s Day:
Remember your Mom this Mother’s Day and say “thanks for all the great memories”. Sure she may have drank a few high balls and smoked a few butts during gestation but don’t hold it against her. I’m pretty sure your memories of her are much better than her memories of you! Do something that will finally make her proud of you. For a day let her think she finally got a child as good as the one my Mom got. Go to jtsconfections.com and do the right thing.

Boston:
I’d like to say way to hang tough Boston. Although you have the worst sports teams, even worse fans, and the absolute worst accent, you guys did well. NY sports fans respect the city of Boston and her citizens. Even in these tough times we must never forget the Red Sox stink!!!!

Global Warming:
Global warming is a catastrophe. When coupled with the residual cerebral effects of me usually winning the biggest bong hit contest in college the results are devastating. Unfortunately, I didn’t send this email out in time to offer shipping. Therefore, all orders must be local. When ordering on line, make sure you click the local delivery option. Not to worry. JT’s will be shipping again come the fall.

So get on line at jtsconfections.com and order early and order often. The kitchen will close for the summer shortly.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,

JT

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