Tag Archive for: Pope

Aunt Francine, Bill Walton and World Domination!

Gentle Reader,

2013 has come to a close and we embark on 2014 with all the optimism that any new year brings.

In 2013 we witnessed my gallant yet doomed bid to become the next Pope. I’d like to thank my Great Aunt Francine for her support. Unfortunately, the unbridled support of a 97 year old ex-communicated nun with Tourette’s, Alzheimer’s, and a penchant for “medical marijuana” was not enough. For the rest of you who were indifferent to my Papal quest, thanks! Thanks a lot!!!

I still dream….(It never gets old)

In 2014, I look forward to reaching many personal and professional goal.

Personal:
I’m committing myself to thinking outside of the box. I’m also looking forward to bringing my height and weight measurements in line with FDA guidelines. Keeping in mind my past failures, and my commitment to thinking outside of the box, I have decided to grow twelve inches rather than lose 40 lbs. By 2015 I should be a Bill Walton clone; 6’11”, 210 lbs with bad knees.

Professionally:
I am committed to causing sleepless nights for the executives at my larger competition. Oh, I’m not talking about Charlie’s Chocolate Cigars, or Bonnie’s Bad Chocolate Emporium, my sites are set on the playas. The Swiss, The Belgi

ans, and those clowns in PA.
FYI, this domination would have been easier if I had the Papal Army at my disposal…thanks A LOT guys!

JT’s Confections is growing faster than we had anticipated and we want to thank you all for you support and help this past year. In 2013, our confections were served at weddings, bat mitzvahs, first communions, anniversary parties, jail breaks as well as corporate functions. in 2014, JT’s will be donating candy to charitable organizations for fund raising to ensure that our good work is more than spiritual.

Thanks again for all your support. It has been a pleasure creating the finest caramels and pecan clusters for all of you. Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, check out all our products, and let the mayhem begin!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

P.S. To help fulfill your New Year resolution to be a better person, feel free to forward this email to a friend…and say three Hail Mary’s…

Congrats to the new Pope!!

Gentle Reader,

We at JT’s Confections would like to extend our sincerest congratulations to our new Pope, Pope Francis I. His friends call him psycho. If any of you guys call him Francis, you’re dead! Any of you guys touch his stuff…you’re dead! (settle down it’s a Stripes reference).

We would also like to thank everyone who wrote a letter to the Vatican in support of JT’s candidacy. We heard we were close, we fell short by only 72 votes.

The upside is that JT will be able to continue his good works at JT’s Confections. Please visit our website at www.jtsconfections.com to place your holy order.

For many of you JT’s Confections will be the closest you come to a spiritual experience over this most holy time so remember, order early and order often.

Thanks in advance for your support.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT (almost Pope Mac Daddius I)

Pope, Easter, Passover

Gentle Reader,

POPE: Dare to Dream!

Today I am announcing my mail in candidacy for the Pope. I know this is a little sudden but the resignation of his holiness surprised me as I’m sure it did most of you.

Please take a few moments and write a letter to the Vatican expressing your support for my Papal quest. In your letters please mention I’m a hard worker, you’ve known me for at least 10 years, I like to travel, I took three years of German in high school and of course I make the best caramel you’ve ever had. You can mail these letters to:

Via della Conciliazione 54
SCV-00120 CITTA DEL VATICANO

Please write ASAP because when I am Pope I plan on having a Fourth of July blow out at my summer residence that you will all be invited to. Not to worry, should my candidacy fall short, I will still be doing good works through JT’s Confections…

Easter and Passover.

If you have love in your heart you need to order JT’s Confections for the religious season. What are you really saying when you do all your Easter and Passover shopping during a 10 minute visit to Target? (The 10 minutes include you buying a road hot dog at the snack bar as you walk out the door) Does green plastic straw say “I love you”? Do bad marshmallow chicks covered in some disgusting sand/sugar hybrid dust say “I love you”? Do poor quality, hollow, chocolate bunnies with eyes that look like Linda Blair’s say “I love you”? Do plastic Moses action figures made in China say “I love you”? Do parting red sea Play Dough kits say “I love you”? The answer to all those questions is NO! You know what say’s “I love you”? JT’s Confections says “I love you”. It also says “God loves you”! Please visit our site at jtsconfections.com to order your religious offerings.

In addition to our traditional treats, this year we will be offering Easter and Passover baskets. These baskets include pecan caramel clusters, caramels, chocolate covered Oreos and pretzels as well as pecan bark. Unfortunately we will be only be able to do baskets for local delivery/pick up.

If you have friends that are morally bankrupt and could use the spiritual guidance that JT’s Confections provides, please feel free to forward this on. Thanks in advance for your support of my Papal candidacy and for allowing us at JT’s Confections to spread love and good will on your behalf.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT