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How do I love thee, let me count the ways. Give versus get…

As we approach St. Valentine’s Day, perhaps the most sacred and religious of all the fake holidays, it’s the perfect time to reflect on our relationships.

wood chipperGentleman, remember 25 years ago when you first started dating your wife and you’d love to give her things? “Boy I’d love to give my baby a nice night out” or “It sure would be swell to give my sweetheart a nice car”? Life was fantastic.

Today you want to get her things.. “if she say’s one more thing she’s going to get the wood chipper”

Ladies, remember when you first started dating your husband and you’d love to give him things… “It would be super to give my man a nice set a golf clubs” or “I’d love to give my honey a surprise party.” Life was good.

crime tapeToday you want to get him things…”If he tells me one more “hysterical story” about college, he’s going to get a fork in his head.”

Gentle reader, it’s time to move our relationships away from get and back to give.

It’s time to bring back that loving feeling.

I know this might seem like an overwhelming task, but it’s the easiest thing you can do. Go to JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and give your spouse the gift of love.

Please note that JT’s is also great for parents who always made your Valentine’s Day special and for your kids who melt your heart every day.Happy Valentine's Day

Sweet Charity News…

Please check out this link:

http://www.dailyrecord.com/story/news/2016/02/01/matheny-fundraiser-sweet-deal/79633210/

Not to worry, you won’t have to erase your “search history.”

As always, thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts; it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

 

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Pete Carol, Miss Amazon, Valentine’s Day Reminder

Gentle Reader,

This past weekend during Super Bowl XCVDQIL, we saw Pete Carroll call for a pass and commit an act of stupidity that was rivaled only when Miss Amazon Runner up, Sheishane Hayalla, snatched the crown from the head of the newly crowned Amazon Queen, Carol Toledo.

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Although both incidents were hysterical (who doesn’t enjoy a girl fight?), they were both avoidable. I’m here gentle reader to urge you to avoid committing a Pete Carroll or a Sheishane Hayalla. Order your Valentine’s Day gift from JT’s Confections now before it’s too late.

Say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “It won’t happen again”, “I was drunk”, “I accidentally took an Ambien”, “I didn’t see you standing there”, or “Can we just forget it ever happened” with an order from JTSCONFECTIONS.COM.

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We ship anywhere in the USA and have something for everyone. Having said that, if your Valentine doesn’t like chocolate covered Oreos, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate caramel filled pretzels, pecan caramel clusters, pecan bark, pecan-cherry bark or the best caramels you’ll ever taste then you have a tough lot in life and you need something from the bar.

 

 

Valentine’s Day box

image3-feb15We ship anywhere in the lower forty eight!

Place your Valentine’s Day order by February 9th

Although the official ordering cut off date is February 9th, order now to expunge your record of poor judgements and general stupidity; rewrite history and score one for the good guys!

 

 

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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Roses are red, violets are blue. If I can’t have you, nobody will.

Gentle Reader,

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Boy did that get out of hand quickly… At this point I think it’s best if I just forge ahead.

A St. Valentine’s Day gift from JT’s Confections says “I Love you to the moon and back” without having to go to all that trouble and expense of buying gloves, a hunting knife, a Ford Bronco and 15 rolls of paper towels. (Johnny Cochran died, right???? I’m not up for a lawsuit.)

Although St. Valentine’s Day is a faux holiday, it needs to be appreciated for what it can do for you. If you give a gift from JT’s Confections, St. Valentine’s Day is like your birthday; things happen on that day that won’t happen for another 364 days. On February 14th you’ll get to drink milk from the carton, eat pizza on the new couch, and watch “World War II” in color. If you were thinking this was heading in a different direction, you are a degenerate…call me.

With much humility Gentle Reader, I advise you to give the non-sharp gift of JT’s Confections on this Valentine’s Day. A gift from JT’s Confections will say “I love you” to your better half, your favorite child, the co-worker whom you are one leer from having a restraining order filed against you, or even your Mom. FYI, the second tier children should be given a box of Mike and Ikes….or nothing at all.

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To place an order, please log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM and lose yourself. You will travel back in time to your childhood and to a world that was simple and safe. OK that last sentence was a little weird even by my standards.

We ship anywhere in the lower forty eight!

All orders must be placed by February 9th or when I suffer an emotional breakdown and close the site, which ever comes first.

As always, it’s been a pleasure.

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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The Flavor of Love, Cause and Effect, I’m Ready for My Close Up…

Gentle Reader,

As Flavor Flav says… “Yeah Boyeeeeeeeee, time’s running out!”

If you want your Valentine to receive their JT’s Confections by February 14th you better get busy. Don’t disappoint AGAIN this year. We at JT’s conducted a scientific cause and effect study with over 75,000 participants. The results are summarized below.

Cause:                                                                                          Effect:

 

 

  • sighs
  • glares
  • loathing
  • and general malaise

 

 

 

  • jts chocolate clusters
  • love (or at least a 24 hour moratorium on eye rolling)
  • breakfast in bed
  • beers delivered to the lazy boy
  • and a second helping of lasagna without being asked “really???”

 

Need More Proof?

To further demonstrate the power of JT’s say the following out loud:

“Soft buttery caramels, delicious nutty clusters, chocolate covered Oreos, caramel filled pretzels smothered in chocolate, smooth dark chocolate cherrie pecan bark”

Now say it really slow:

“Soft buttery caramels, delicious nutty clusters, chocolate covered Oreos, caramel filled pretzels smothered in chocolate, smooth dark chocolate cherry pecan bark”

If that didn’t work you into a lather, I fear for your soul.

Finally gentle reader, please click onto the video link. FYI, it is OK for family viewing.

 

Until further notice, JT will only refer to himself in the third person and you are not permitted to make eye contact with JT.

 

Log onto JTSCONFECTIONS.COM, check out all our products, and let the love fest begin!

Your Pal and Guide to a Parallel Universe,

JT

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Tic Toc Romeo….

Gentle Reader,

For all those who have not yet ordered JT’s Confections to atone for your previous 364 days of poor behavior, time is running short! Unlike Y2K, 100 gallons of bottled water, 12 cases of canned peas and a dank basement will not safe you this time. You really need to step it up and do the right thing.

Please visit jtsonfections.com and put yourself on the road of redemption. I’m just sayin….
Orders received after Friday will probably get to your better half or the A&P by Valentine’s Day, but no guarantees.

Thanks for all your support.

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

PS for those who have already ordered JT’s Confections, your key to a better life will be shipped tomorrow

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A Valentines message from JT’s Confections

Gentle Reader,

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since we last celebrated the holiday that is totally dedicated to getting laid (FYI next to Ascension Thursday, Valentine’s day was Mother Theresa’s favorite holiday*) I know that some of you ladies out there are asking “In a man’s world, isn’t everyday dedicated to getting laid”? The answer to your semi rhetorical question is yes, but we also think about eating and world piece. (men spell it piece)

Anyway, back to the holiday at hand, Valentines day. This is the one true fake holiday that you let your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, life partner or the 26 year old divorced check out girl at the A&P know that you love them. Is there a better way to say I love you than by giving one of the aforementioned slobs JT’s Confections? Probably, but it won’t be candy and it won’t be under $1000.

Please visit us at jtsconfections.com and place your holiday order. For Valentine’s Day we have our traditional teal and chocolate packaging as well as sexy red love boxes…GRRR baby, GRRRRR. We ship anywhere to the lower 48. For any Mormons, the fifth, sixth and seventh wives are free! We’d like to thank you in advance for your orders and we’d also like to thank you for your past support. We really appreciate you allowing us to make your life better. I wish this was longer but most people don’t understand these emails so just remember to: Order early and Order often.

Thanks again!

Your Pal and guide to a parallel universe,
JT

*if anyone wants me to save them a seat in hell let me know. Be quick, I think I can save up to five, three already have dibs and I don’t see much chance of any one of them turning it around.

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